remodeling this life

My brother and his new wife just spent 10 days visiting sunny Florida. They stayed at my parents’ house and I got to visit them a few times. I would’ve liked to have seen them more but I was sick for that few days and didn’t want to get them sick too so we stayed huddled up at home.

I love my brother. I light up at the mention of his name, I can’t help but smile when I see him, laugh when he talks, and listen to his advice. I admire him so much for who he is. He is absolutely without question the most down-to-earth and true to himself person I know. He’s friendly to everyone he meets. He stands up for what he believes in.

My brother is such an individual. Nothing about him is anything but Andy. He refuses to conform to what others expect him to dress like, look like, act like. And all the while, people just love him. I have learned so much from him over the 29 years I’ve been alive. We are only 16 months apart in age and were often mistaken for twins growing up. That was probably helped by the fact that he was held back a grade in 5th grade so we were in the same grade for years.

I am going to share some things I have learned from my brother, some of the more important lessons he’s taught me through example.

1. All people are equal – he used to get in fights in middle and high school because he’d get made fun of by ignorant kids because his best friends were black. I know that he’s learned by now that beating people up isn’t the way to get them to listen to you. But he has always shown a passion for standing up for what is right and fighting for what he believes in. Now he just does it a little more civilly.

2. Don’t be a follower – live your own life, live it well and be happy with who you are. I will never forget the 3 months in high school that my brother didn’t talk to me. Not one word. After he found out that I had gone out to a concert with friends and gotten drunk and been smoking cigarettes. To him, I was doing what everyone expected in an effort to be cool (and he was right) and he had no tolerance for me being an idiot in order to be liked. That 3 months was hell. I was embarrassed that I had behaved so stupidly to try to make insignificant people like me and in the process made my best friend dislike me.

3. Show your love – when I see my brother with his wife, I think he’s amazing. He’s the perfect combination of loving but goofy, he takes care of her without being overbearing. He always thinks of her first for everything. That is how marriage should be. Putting the other person first and making sure they are shown everyday how much you love and appreciate them.

4. Laugh at yourself - NEVER take yourself too seriously. This is above all else the single biggest thing I got from growing up with him. He’s not obnoxious but he likes to make fun of people and he’s sarcastic and goofy. If you trip, he’ll laugh. That kind of thing. He makes the mundane hilarious and shows me how to smile and laugh through life even when things are bad.

Those are the big things. He’s special, my brother. I’m lucky to have him in my life showing that everything doesn’t have to be conventional and happiness can come when you are true to yourself and put a smile on your face. It becomes contagious.

I remember when I was younger, always trying to fit in. I can vividly recall conversations with my mother in which I asked her why someone didn’t like me. You know all that elementary school stuff – not everyone would get invited to a birthday party and there’d be hurt feelings. I am sure that while being on the hurt end of it I also unknowingly did some hurting of my own to other girls. It was just one of those things. But I remember my mother telling me “Not everyone will like you. It’s impossible to be liked by everyone. That makes the friendships you do have all that much more special because they’re unique and they celebrate your uniqueness.” We’re all such different people, it’d be impossible to like everyone or be liked by everyone – so I learned at a young age to embrace the person that I am and to savor the people around me who do enjoy me.

I can take that same premise and extend it to so many things in my life. It all comes down to staying true to who I am no matter what other influences are part of my life. Not looking just like everyone else, not talking just like everyone else, not thinking what others think just for the sake of it, and not living anyone else’s life but my own.

It can be hard to do these things especially after being criticized. I find the times that it’s hardest for me to continue to embrace the things that I hold dear and true of myself are when someone takes aim at me. It’s those times that it is most important to remind myself that everything about me is seen differently through different eyes. The only way I’ll enjoy my life is by living a life that is my own, aimed at pleasing no one else but those who truly matter around me – and most of all, myself.

By doing this, it’s the only way I can confidently and happily live a fulfilling life. It’s also the best way to pass confidence on to my children. I want them to not just hear me say the words that what others think doesn’t matter but for them to see that I act that out. I don’t want them to see me changing who I am for others. They’ll learn from me that staying true to yourself and being confident enough to go against the grain when necessary and to stand up for and act on the things that are most important in life is a good start on the path to life happiness and fulfillment.

I had one of those evenings. A few hours where I just was able to slow down and look at the life I have going on and appreciate it. My hubby came home and said he’d make dinner and clean up (and even though he fell asleep on the couch before the kitchen was clean it’s the thought that counts, right?) and he told me he arranged a credit at a landscaping place in town and I have the afternoon tomorrow to go pick out plants/trees/flowers for the yard and house. I am not sure what I am more excited about – the landscaping or the shopping by myself

The kids have been so great. Drew put on a princess dress tonight and her princess high heels and grabbed some flowers from a vase and said to her daddy “will you be my valentine and marry me?” and Eli – well, he’s tired today because he barely napped but he’s just been so cute and snuggly.

Hubby – well, he’s been great too. He’s tired. He’s worked so hard for so long. He gives all of himself to everything he does. And then comes home to offer as much as he has left to his family in smiles and giggles and games and love.

Putting the kids to bed tonight I had that overwhelming feeling of how lucky I am. How fortunate I am to have two very healthy and happy kids and a loving and hardworking husband. As I read books with Drew and snuggled in the rocking chair with Eli I thought of how every moment could be my last. Or their last. In life you just never know. And I have my times of being frustrated and just wanting time for myself or just wanting them to go to bed sooner or whatever. But I let all that go and I just enjoyed it. Enjoyed the snuggles and hugs and stories and giggles and forgot about anything other than just being what they needed. With the thoughts in my mind “what if this is the last time I ever read her a story?” or “what if this is the last time I ever snuggle my son?” and “what if I never get to tell him I love him again?” I made sure it was special. It made me stop and slow down and remember what is really important. Why I am here. What time my kids go to bed doesn’t matter. I just want them to know they are loved. Know that their mom would do anything for them. I want my baby girl to remember me brushing her hair and singing her songs before bed. I want my baby boy to remember me giggling with him and carrying him around showing him the amazing things there are to see in the world.

I can’t ever be sure they’ll remember me for those things if this day were my last. But I tried. I can only give them a footprint. A part of me to remember. I vow to make that me a smiling and appreciative me. A me that would do anything for them and give anything for them. A me that loves them more than anything else in the world and appreciates them for all that they are and all that they dream to be.