remodeling this life

I realized something today as I was thinking about the days that I was in debt. I was thinking about what might be my Financial Epiphany and realized that it came one day that I was paying my pile of credit card bills. I got mad. Really mad. At myself. That there I was spending nearly every last penny I’d earned day in and day out to pay for stuff that I had bought weeks, months, years earlier. It pissed me off. How could I be so stupid? What I had earned just that day was already accounted for to go to a credit card bill for something that I had convinced myself I needed so long ago.

I decided I had to stop and stop I did.

I’ve talked about the entire journey in a guest post at Paid Twice, Why Credit Cards Are Not My Friends. Still today, I think back on that time and how I thought I had it all. I had all the clothes I wanted, all the stuff I wanted, all the things a girl could ask for. But I was miserable. I think a lot of my spending was because of the eating disorder I had that I have talked about before. I can think back to times I would be standing in dressing rooms and try on a pair of size 24 jeans at Guess and be all proud that I squeezed my 5’11″ frame into them so therefore I must buy them for the $88 price tag. Really, you could insert whatever clothing item you want. If it was the size I wanted to be and it fit, I bought it. Like I was proving something to myself or the world by doing so.

I feel sadness when I look back on those years. Sad for who I was. Who I thought then that I needed to be. I feel sad that I didn’t know better or know that I was looking for happiness in entirely all the wrong places.

If I had only known then what I know now. That happiness can’t be bought. Happiness isn’t a size on a tag or a label on a car or the size of a home. Happiness is being okay with what is. Happiness is not needing MORE stuff to feel fulfilled. Happiness is stretch marks from the pregnancies that carried beautiful children that add more to life than anything you can buy. Happiness is making a house a home. Happiness is love and friendship.

So here I am today, debt free. Do I ever wish I had more than my life can afford? If I am being honest, sure I do. But when I think of what I’d have to sacrifice to have more today, I know it’s not right. I know that being able to invest in the future is so much more important than what I might think I need today. My kids have what they need, I have what I need. And I can put money toward dreams of tomorrow instead of paying for yesterday now that I am debt-free. It’s a place I’d recommend to anyone. And I know it’s a place a lot of my friends are trying to get to. To just think of the possibiltites when you have all those credit card payments or other debt or house payments to put elsewhere – toward your life today and your life tomorrow. I know that it isn’t reality for many but I don’t do anything but cheer for those getting out of debt. Because I know how much better their life will be when it’s gone. I know this side of it so I can’t help but cheer and anticipate the day they see what I do. A brighter tomorrow. A more fulfilling today. It’ll come and it’s fabulous.

Do you ever wonder why you’re here? What you’re purpose is and how you should be living your life? Wondering how to find happiness?

I think that one of the best ways to at least start on the path to discovering those things is to examine yourself and your life and determine what your gifts are. When I think of gifts a person has, I think of what identifies that person, what defines who they are, what stands out about them? Are they a person who just loves to make people laugh? Or are they a person who is a fantastic speaker or writer and can touch people through those mediums? Good at athletics or just very intelligent and great in conversation? Some are just fabulous parents. Others love design, aesthetics and find happiness in making things around them beautiful. Maybe a person is gifted with artistic ability and creativity. Whatever it is, everyone has gifts.

When you look inside yourself and think of the things that drive you, excite you when you get to do them, make you feel whole when they are part of your life, that is what I would call a gift. When you can embrace your gifts and live your life through their uniqueness, then you can begin to really find your inner happiness. You can begin to find comfort in who you are because you’re not trying to be something someone else is. Finding your strength in just knowing who you are, knowing what your reason is for being here and spending everyday fulfilling that purpose as much as you can is a great start down that path to inner peace and happiness.

I have been trying to find out who I am and what my purpose is and making changes accordingly. If I look inside myself and think of what my gifts are, it makes it much easier to embrace and live out the things that mean a whole lot to me. Along that same line, it makes it easier to stop doing things that don’t fulfill what I believe myself to be and what I want my purpose to be. My life, day in and day out has to be me living with purpose. From every dollar I spend having a purpose, to every moment with my kids, to every time I have a free moment, I want it all to be the most full it can be. I also want to make sure I am living out the uniqueness of my gifts. I love decorating. I also love a simple, clutter-free home to feel comfortable in. Those two things mean a lot in my life. It’s part of who I am and so my time goes into those things. I also enjoy writing. I won’t go overboard and call myself a writer, just a blogger. I enjoy it very much and the sense of purpose it brings to my life, the way it makes me think more about myself and the way it brings new ideas into my world each day. I am a runner. When I run, I feel relaxed and at ease and natural. It’s easier once I have pinpointed things that I define myself as to better use my time living out who I am and not cluttering my time with things that don’t add to my life.

Above all else, my family is my purpose. I am a wife, mother, daughter, and sister. I know not all women feel that motherhood is their ultimate purpose in life. I don’t know that it is for me either, but at this stage of my life, it absolutely is. I don’t have much more than my kids that drives me right now. As they grow older and need me less (sniff sniff) I am sure that my priorities and purpose will change. For today, I just have to live out who I am and that means being the best mother and wife that I can be.

I have to say, it feels good, and I feel very lucky to have found what I deem to be my own inner peace. It takes time to dig deep within yourself to find that, but once I did, it was so worth it. Waking up each day with goals and dreams and knowing if I just keep staying true to myself, I will get there is deeply satisfying and motivating.

People love to make assumptions about others based on how things *look* instead of digging deeper into how things really are. It’s probably a pretty normal human trait. You see someone and based on their clothing, car, whatever, an assumption gets made about financial status. I know not everyone does this, a lot of people learn with age and experience that how things appear on the outside aren’t always how they truly are.

Whether it’s that I don’t feel I owe a full entire story or every last detail about myself or whatever, I find often that people will take the smaller bits of things about me and piece together an altogether inaccurate picture of my life. I could say it’s my own fault and I can just give out more information. Or I can decide it doesn’t matter what other people think and I don’t owe anyone an explanation or more detail than I am comfortable giving. Unless you are my close family or very close friend, I don’t need to share every last detail of my financial picture, homelife picture or whatever other picture people only get small glimpses of.

Why do we automatically think someone in designer clothes is rich or worse – went into debt to buy them? Maybe those nice jeans were a gift. Or maybe she was lucky and found them at Goodwill for $4. The truth is, there is very little we can know about anyone around us unless we are very close and really *know* and therefore I have to not let my first impressions determine what I think of a person.

A lot of the people I know are into “keeping up appearances”. I know too many people who live their life to be *seen* as something they are not. And since I am a person who is working on constantly being true to myself, I can’t be bothered with that game. All those people trying to one up each other are just one upping things that aren’t real. It’s a vicious cycle. No matter how rich, successful, beautiful, amazing, talented I am…there will always be someone more than any of those things than I am. So the only way to be happy is to just be me and be happy with good enough for me. I won’t indulge those seeking that attention and I won’t seek it myself. It’s really quite simple. Just be who you are and don’t worry about who or what others are or what they have. The bottom line is we just don’t know and why do we *feel* the need to know? And if we don’t know…why go back to assuming the worst? Assume a person has something expensive because they’re bad with money and in credit card debt. Maybe they’re a super financially savvy person and financially free. The honest truth is that we like to think others struggle for what they have because it makes it easier for us struggling to feel like we’re all in the same boat struggling to keep up.

I see regularly people who get so caught up in how they think they look to others or thinking too much about what others are doing and how they’re doing it, that there is such a negativity to it all. Someone can quit their job and take a few months off work or take years off to finish school to further themselves? They must be spoiled, the recipient of a trust fund or just plain lucky. Why not that the person works their butt off and is smart with money and put themselves in a very worthwhile and hard-earned position of taking a break to find themself and to better themself? Because as humans, we don’t want to admit that those things are possible without some sort of intervention. We don’t want to think about the changes we could make in our own lives to be in that same position. We don’t want to give up the cushy comfy stuff that we surround ourselves with to pretend to make ourselves feel better and to artificially find happiness.

At the end of the day, the myth of stuff and money and all of that bringing happiness is what we *want* to believe because it’s more comfortable. Somewhere along the line the competition to be better, look better, have more has become the standard. And it’s because if we don’t have all that and more, we’re afraid people might *gasp* think we’re poor or don’t have the means to attain it! Why in the world would you not live in a huge house if you can afford to? Why would you drive an old car if you can afford a new one? Why would you work that dead end job if you have more skills? Maybe some people are just happy with what is.

When we let go of caring what anyone else thinks around us, then it’s possible to just live life. Not for anyone else, not to make sure no one thinks something bad about us. So what if someone thinks your poor? They won’t think so 30 years from now when you’re retired on the beach in Panama