The Ugly of Motherhood

The Ugly of Motherhood

It was a night like most others. We sat at the dinner table, chatting about our days and about how many bites the kids had to eat before they could be excused to consume some other food product not called dinner – even if it was just a peach or a banana, as long as it wasn’t “dinner” they couldn’t wait to eat it. As usual, toward the end, I hopped up to start a bath for the kids. Earlier today, I was on a field trip with my oldest and noticed her ponytail was bumpy so I tried to fix it only to find out her hair was a little bit crunchy/crusty, then I thought “Hmmm when was the last time this kid washed her hair? Jumping in the pool, followed by an outdoor shower or swimming in the ocean doesn’t count.” I remember the days of thinking it did count, but I am a mother now. It doesn’t count. Shampoo and conditioner must be involved.

So… I started a bath.

The kids jumped in. They are just on the edge of not being able to bathe together because they spend more time yelling to me about who is doing what wrong when and why they hate each other and less time washing themselves. But sometimes a mom needs a few minutes of silence and so we are sticking with this for now. Until it backfires.

Hubby and I sat down on the couch, one room away, to watch an episode of Weeds while the kids bathed. It all seemed nice and family friendly-ish enough. As family friendly as watching Weeds gets. Then I heard one kid say “Why did you throw that in the toilet?!?!” really loud so that I would hear and he would get in trouble. While the offender stood in the doorway, naked, barely able to defend himself from his sin.

One kid had gotten out of the tub to poop. I know she will hate me one day for telling you this, but it is what it is – a bath makes the girl poop. And the boy had gotten out of the bath to get a “toy” to play with, but it turns out his “toy” was a large clump of dried playdoh. No idea where it came from or why he thought it would be a fun thing to take the time to get out of the bath, drip on the floor for and then retrieve only to return to the bath to play with. But he did. And then he threw it at his sister’s head. He missed. She ducked. It sailed over her head and landed – in the toilet – with the poop that my lovely daughter didn’t flush.

And here is where it gets ugly.

I walk into the bathroom after the sounds of what I can only imagine is melodrama – it couldn’t be that bad, right??! But indeed – there is a large- in fact, the exact size of the toilet hole size of playdoh in the toilet. And there is poop in there too. And some pee.

I stand there, ready to scream, swear, flip out and my husband would say I did all of the above but I claim he is wrong.

I reach my bare arm into the poop and pee filled toilet to try to get to the said playdoh that I have been informed is in there, right under the toilet paper. Instead of getting it, I push it down inadvertently and it is lodged. Stuck. Not moving.

I pull my arm out, covered in pee and remnants of soaking wet toilet paper, reeking of poop and realize I have to keep trying to figure this problem out myself. My husband is still laying on the couch watching Weeds afterall and one of us has to be able to tell the other one what happened while we were in the other room retrieving playdoh from the toilet. It’s not like it has “pause” or “stop”. Or does it? He just didn’t want to get involved.

So, I did the next rational thing any mother would do and I furiously marched to the kitchen, grabbed the grilling tongs and returned to the bathroom to try to retrieve the ball of rock-hard playdoh that had lodged itself in the toilet. I yanked, I pulled, I got poop on my hands, and didn’t succeed. At all. My husband laughed.

Laughed.

The problem is still not solved. It’s still there. He is convinced that with time and lots of soaking, the rock hard mass of playdoh will turn to mush and we’ll be able to use our toilet again. I am not so sure.

The bright side is that it was 7 o’clock and I told my kids “Get out of the bathtub, put your pajamas on and go to bed!” in my mean mommy voice (my husband called it the fear of death voice, but I disagree) and they have been asleep since 7:15.

The toilet is yet to be unclogged though.

And my hands and arms still smell like poop.

Who wants to come over for a cookout this weekend??!?!

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Comments

  1. just count me in the not coming list inspite of you insist me to be there. definitely not. but sorry for the incident.

  2. I laughed so hard! It is SUCH an ugly mommy moment! But that is part of life too. Thank you for sharing. (by the way, my dad had to take our toilet off the base twice for things my little brother threw in there–one was the lid to a toy coffeepot, the other a small aluminum cup).

  3. Thank you for the laugh this morning. I really needed it. It’s nice to know those Ugly Mommy Moments happen all over the world. And what is it with having to poop while being in the tub? (Warm water) My kiddo is the same way.

  4. I love you!!!!! I feel badly for you because of the whole poop thing but you just made my day because I have finally found someone who is real and writes in my type of realness! Have a uneventful day my friend.
    Em

  5. LOL! My goodness I am sure my day (like this) is coming soon….

  6. LOL!!! We all have those days don’t we? At least it’s not cat poop or pee. Seems like that is what I have been cleaning up these days. Oh… motherhood! good luck with the toilet!

  7. Oh, sweet baby Jesus…I just can’t even…

    WOW!

  8. I’ll go ahead and add this story to my ever-growing list of reasons I don’t want kids AND to the list of reasons I love having friends who are moms [so many belly laughs!!!].

  9. Oh, my soul. I do not envy you or your poopy hand. We had a rough patch with the kids last night too. I may have yelled. Ok. I did. Then my husband did. Then my kids went to clean their rooms, because that’s what you do when mom yells about anything. So….probably not one of our finer parenting moments, but the kids both have clean rooms.

    I hope one day soon, you will be able to flush your toilet.
    ~FringeGirl

  10. As much as I hate to say it – been there, done that.

  11. lol. explain this to your single friends so they can maintain their facebook status. “what did you do today, girl?” “oh, boychild took a gigantic poo on the carpet and drove 6 of his wooden thomas trains through it and over our white couch…oh, i was only away for 5 minutes to fetch the laundry.. yeah from downstairs” gross but memorable. wouldn’t trade it.

  12. I also had to fetch something once from pee and poop water…. So so so gross!!! I cringed reading this remembering my moment…… Ooooohhhhhh it’s so gross!!! Worse than can be described!

  13. disgusting

  14. I rarely say “LOL” but “OMG!!! LOL!” so gross but so funny!

  15. Please don’t hate me, but this is hysterical! You gave me a much needed laugh and honestly, I nodded my head the entire time I read. Yes, this is motherhood. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s face it – poop is ugly. And stinky.

    Sending hugs and a bar of soap!

  16. Ah the joys of motherhood..

  17. I never thought that a poo and peewilly, play dough clogged toilet story could ever be as refreshing as that of which I have just read…..and here I thought only stuff like that happened to me and my house…lol

  18. Oh how this made me laugh!!! As a Mom of three boys (two who have just recently been separated at bath time) I can just picture this whole scenario. Better play dough than a cell phone, I guess? Just too funny. I look forward to reading more!
    Claire

  19. Same situation, different object. Oh man, the stories we can tell in public to our kids’ future horror. It’s fun, isn’t it?

  20. Thank you for sharing the Ugly moment! We all have them…once I had to clean poop and pee out of a register vent! I still can’t believe that happened! Kids! :-)

  21. you can’t make this stuff up, eh??? :) Good gracious. Great story–and, um, YUCK. But, we’ve all been there in one form or another! At least you saw the humor in it. Or was that just your hubby?? :)

  22. Oh….. The things we do when we have to… Thanks for sharing one of those moments too. So often in this blogging-world we only share the sweet and rosy moments, but in real life there is of course a bit of everything… Thanks for making it more real!

  23. Suzie Bourne says:

    Hilarious!! I love that the good thing is that they were in bed by 7 pm! Small mercies when you have one of these days! :-)

  24. Amen sister! I just found your blog and I love it! I have to agree with you with the hadeinrng off and ever expanding plants just waiting to be moved. I fear my first venture into salpiglossis this season is going to end badly with our terrible MN weather this season and not being able to get them moved. There’s always next year right?

  25. Glad to know I’m not the only one with a kid that will always manage to find a new way to exesperate me and make me scream! The mean mummy voice doesn’t work much for me though :(

  26. I really cannot say much of motherhood, considering I am a male and I have yet to have any children of my own. I can say, however, having many friends who have do have children, that they really do change you. Watching someone take care of their own and the way that they interact, is somewhat of a human mystery. They say that you will never love anything as much as your child, and I can say just by the way that people I know look at their children that this is an absolute truth.