(last year on Christmas Eve)
Before this series started, I asked on this blog’s facebook page what topics people might like me to talk about for this month during the 31 Days series. One of the suggestions I was given was from Alison at This Wasn’t In The Plan to talk about gifting – how to handle giving and receiving while living simply. Since it’s my hubby’s 35 birthday today, it seemed a good day to address the topic. If you must know, I got him a watch he loves for $37 off of ebay and baked him blueberry muffins for a morning breakfast date together at 4 a.m before he heads off to work.
I get asked about gifting a lot and I see it come up in the comments here a lot. It can be so hard to follow our own core values of living with less when we are gifting to others or receiving from others.
Last year, I shared a great motto that I lived by for the Christmas season: my kids got from us something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read.
We have a family tradition of giving Christmas jammies for the kids to open on Christmas Eve. I picked them each something they really wanted, something they needed, something else to wear and something to read. I was so thrilled with how purposeful and intentional my gift giving was.
I still had my kids’ grandparents who don’t really like to follow rules so my kids ended up with way more than they wanted and needed by the time the holiday season was all over. My daughter got SIX dresses from one family member. Even she said “Now I have so many dresses, I can’t even wear them all!” There are some things that I think we can’t get enough of – books is one of them. Then there are things I could do without altogether – toys with batteries are high on the list.
Through all of this, I want to be gracious and appreciative. My son has way more trains than one boy needs. My daughter had way more dresses than one little girl needed – and sadly some of them were just the right size when she got them so she grew out of them quickly. We gave them to a friend – a friend who I was sure to ask if it was okay first.
I tend to be very conscious of not wanting to put the things we don’t use or need or want anymore onto anyone other than the consignment shop or Goodwill without explicit permission.
Aside from Christmas, which is a whole entity of STUFFNESS unto itself, there are other times this subject comes up. My daughter is in 1st grade now. All of the kids in the class tend to get invited to parties. If every kid invites my kid to a party this year, that is 18 kids at $10/gift = a nice chunk of change for the year. I want to give gifts that are useful.
When I am giving, I try to only give what I would be happy to receive
For kid birthday party gifts, we tend to give jammies, washable art supplies, books, or, if we know the child and their tastes well, something more personal. I never give a toy that would drive me absolutely insane: too many pieces or too much noise.
For adults, I ask. If I don’t get a specific answer, I’ve found things like coffee, wine, homemade bread, or similar in a nice gift bag goes over well. A list is always easiest to go off of.
When it comes to receiving, I try to give very specific lists. I send links to items online, or give good descriptions. I used to think that saying “oh, we don’t need anything!” would suffice but then we always ended up getting things we really didn’t need, want, like, or use. I have found that answering specifically has helped a lot.
How do you handle giving and receiving when you value simplicity at home?
Visit the other 31 Days Series:
Chatting at the Sky, Nesting Place, Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, My First Kitchen, Life With My 3 Boybarians, Reluctant Entertainer, The Inspired Room
I am so lucky to have the most inspiring blogging friends. Go see for yourself.
Great ideas. I try to give books for children’s presents, and try to pick titles they might not have already, or tuck a gift receipt into the cover. I think it’s important to ask ourselves if we would like the item before we buy it for someone else? I know that gift cards aren’t always the most thoughtful gift, but it is something simple, clutter-free, and the recipient always appreciates.
[Reply]
I don’t comment near as often as I should but today I’m being a rebel…
We are just beginning to seriously Live Simply and we’ve already made a huge step in that direction with Christmas this year. Instead of going hog wild (and being broke) with gift buying for our adult children & grandson, we chose to draw names this year. Everyone of the adults put their name in the hat and then we all drew one out and there ya go, no more overload or stress about money at the holidays. I am also going to adopt your motto for the grandboy this year (so thanks!) something he wants, something he needs, something to wear & something to read. YAY!
Peace & Love,
~Barb~
[Reply]
I like this! We tend to stick to this in my house. Except for stockings. My family has done stockings for years. There are some traditional gifts (started by my grandparents) which include a toothbrush and a brillo pad (keep yourself clean and your surroundings and you will have a good year), some toys, and some other useful things. My lil bro and I instituted a “no junk” policy last year with our gifting. It is starting to catch on … but I still know I will get some crazy silly toy from my Dad. It is cute and fun to play with on the day – and then it goes into a basket so that I have toys if friends/relatives with kids come over. Until the next yard sale and then out it goes.
[Reply]
This is so helpful, Emily, and something I’ve started to think more about every year. Honestly, I’ve been slightly anxious this year as the season approaches and I know how very much I want to stick to my core values (that are still evolving in this area!) but I also know the tendency to, at the last minute, feel like “oh, we didn’t get so-and-so enough…” I hate that reasoning. Your post helps so much. I want to print it out and tape it to my mirrors!
[Reply]
Emily Reply:
October 18th, 2010 at 9:21 am
i suffer from lastminuteitis too.
[Reply]
We do the SAME thing for Christmas! It love it – so freeing!
My 5 year old has known his ‘want’ since August!! (a guinea pig) and he’ll definately need some WARM winter wear in our new home state of Minnesota!
My 2 yr old – probably something ‘Toy Story’ for his want, and bedding for his ‘need’. He’s been in a big boy bed since this summer, but no ‘big boy’ covers just yet.
Does Santa come to your house? Our 5 yr old keeps asking if santa is ‘real’ – so far I’ve just asked him “What do you think?”
I’m thinking we might get a canvas made out of a photo for the grandparents this year – check out this awesome deal I saw via Tatortots and Jello!
http://www.canvaspeople.com/special-offer?utm_source=HO_CP&utm_medium=Affil&utm_campaign=promo
[Reply]
P.S.
I just set up FB pgs for my sites as well!
Cheers!
[Reply]
ER, I mean:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Minneapolis-MN/Operation-Organization-MN/139417079428091
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wonder-Woman-Wannabe/118584951531982?v=wall
[Reply]
Great ideas! My oldest child is 5 and because of the number of grandparents we only get each child one small, meaningful, useful thing for Chirstmas or birthday. Thankfully, several grandmas ask what they need. I am always amazed when I hear how much money people spend on gift giving – I spend very little, so little that I fit it into my regular budget for the month, especially as we make many gifts (people LOVE food, grandparents love photos of the kids). I haven’t decided what we’ll do about school parties yet, but I think the book idea or art supplies or homemade beanbags with their initials on them might be good ones.
[Reply]
Hi,
I’ve been a silent follower of your blog for a while. I love this post! I will definitly stick to that motto for Christmas this year. Our problem is more with gifts from extended family. We always get so much for our son, and our house is small so I never have any place to put them.
[Reply]
Emily Reply:
October 18th, 2010 at 9:22 am
Thankfully my parents live nearby so I mostly have them keep the things they get my kids at their house. I’m happy, they’re happy, the kids are happy.
[Reply]
This is an area near and dear to me so I’ve written a few articles about it. 1) http://lifesimplifiedforyou.com/2010/03/28/birthday-buddy/ This program allows you or your children to sponsor a foster child for their birthday. Both of my kids have done this in lieu of birthday gifts from their friends but still receive extended family gifts. 2)http://lifesimplifiedforyou.com/2010/03/10/the-gift-that-keeps-on-giving/ Kiva.org for any and all occassions. For as little as $25, you are able to loan someone in another country a portion of a loan they are requesting in order to start, expand or continue a business. 3)http://lifesimplifiedforyou.com/2010/05/18/happy-birthday-to-you/ Amazon’s Universal Wish List. If you have people in your life who insist that you give them an idea of what you’d like or some kind of wish list at Christmas time, this is a great organizational tool.
[Reply]
Consumables are always a good option for gifts–either giving or receiving. With a bit of friendly sleuthing, you can find out favorite brands of consumables (paper napkins, tissues, food items, toiletries) and buy those things as gifts. I do this with my stepmom for Mother’s Day (I buy her favorite paper napkins), and she looks forward to a new stock every year. It’s something she uses, doesn’t need to store forever, and doesn’t have to buy for herself.
[Reply]
I have to confess to being a recovering obnoxious Christmas over-doer….I love to shop, and tended to gather things for the people on my list all year long, until it became a chore instead of a thrill. Especially with kids, since by the time the “big day” rolled around, they might have outgrown a certain size or phase and have no interest or use for what I’d put away earlier in the year.
Now, our efforts look more like yours and never once has anyone remarked that they weren’t well gifted or didn’t like what they received. Our kids make lists for Santa, my husband and I get first crack at them and then they’re sent off to the family (by request, of course). We do pj’s on Christmas eve, a list item (or two, I’m only human), a movie or book, and a find (they’ve each started collections of their own that we add to). They’re the only grandchildren on both sides, so they’re pretty much swamped with stuff and probably wouldn’t notice if we didn’t buy them a thing. We’re negotiating the politics of reeling in that habit as well. Any ideas?
For the adults in our lives, we exchange lists. I never liked that before, I felt like I was ruining the spirit. But ultimately people don’t like to waste time or money on the unusable. It does offer a jumping off point, too, for other ideas…ex. my MIL wanted new coffee mugs last year (from IKEA, a whopping $10 for what seemed like 100 of them)- we expanded that to include a monthly coffee delivery. She’s already said that all she wants this year is more of the coffee…gotta love that.
This is such a great series, and you have such wise and generous commenters – thanks everyone. Now I feel like Christmas shopping!
[Reply]
Emily Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 6:52 am
I love that you took something she asked for (coffee mugs) and added something useful to go with it. That is my kind of gift.
[Reply]
I do the “something they want…” thing too – we do this from santa. Then we do something special from Mommy and Daddy. This year it is an experience – tickets to Wicked. Because they have been dying to go and it isn’t more clutter. It makes planning and budgeting easier. I also add on a couple little things – like a new DVD in their stocking and maybe something else they need like undies or socks for their stocking too. Christmas stockings & easter baskets are pretty much the only time during the year that I buy DVD’s. I can’t stand the “gimme’s” at Wal-mart about DVD’s!
The trouble with getting the grandparents to tone it down – I don’t know what to do!! We tell them every year we don’t need anything. The kids don’t need stuff. So this year, I am thinking of crafting a very thoughtful letter. We travel every year to visit and every year it is a challenge to pack it all back on the plane. They often resort to shipping a box back. Such a waste. So we have said for several years that we want a generator. I am going to write them a letter with a link to the item at Home Depot or Sears and suggest a gift card to help purchase it. But really have my husband send it since they are his parents and maybe they will get the idea.
My husband does NOT need anything else like a UNC marching band music box. Seriously. He doesn’t. And I don’t need a floor length zip up old lady robe.
[Reply]
Emily Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 6:55 am
your last line cracked me up! For my hubby, we have a joke that it’s his birthday or Christmas and wonder how many fleece hats he’ll get. I think it’s a good idea to be very specific and ask for something you and your family need. And sending along links to a book or two and some jammies for the kids will make them feel like they are still giving to the kids but not adding to the toy junk. Good luck!
[Reply]
We do not have any children in the immediate family. Last year, we finally had enough and said no gift exchange. Instead, we spent the time baking cookies, watching movies, and talking. It was so relaxed and so wonderful. It makes me look forward to the holidays again.
[Reply]
Emily Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 6:55 am
sounds just like what the season is supposed to be about. love it!
[Reply]
I ADORE recieving a gift of a donation to one of my favorite charities. I have ASKED for such gifts. And I very, very rarely ever receive it.
I have found that in truth, very little thought goes into gift giving for the most part. The giver seems to grab something at the last minute *they* like and assumes you would like it too.
[Reply]
Except for this year the youngest at our Christmas is generally in their 30′s so we exchange lists. It allows people to receive what they would really like and no one is exchanging things. It has worked out really well and it also helps with Dad’s birthday which is in the beginning of December.
I try to make some of the gifts and this year everyone will be getting some home made gifts along with my sister and mom making some gifts as we are all in a bit of a budget crunch.
My beloved and I did a photo gift thing last year for his dad. His Dad’s birthday is right before christmas and our budget was pretty small in general. We gave him a nicely framed picture of he and my beloved. Something he doesn’t have. He seemed to like it but beloved’s brother got a bit of an attitude that all we got him was the picture. It took us both by surprise as honestly beloved and his dad have been estranged for several years so this was the first time in many years that we even celebrated the birthday with them. We will see what happens this year.
[Reply]
I really like the idea of giving each child something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read. We try really hard not to overspend at Christmas, but it’s so hard not to.
[Reply]
Wow, very useful insight on gift giving. I attempt to “live simply, so others can simply live”. I repeat this statement over and over (and sometimes over) and over again when I’m out shopping. What does my friend really need/want? And if there’s nothing coming to mind I go to the internet. I work in the npo world and really try to find a mission that aligns with the friend’s values. A few of my favs: Heifer International, Association of Hole in the Wall Camps, Foster Friends of NC (general awards program for kids in care). And so many more!
I’m going to borrow your “something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read” for my future kiddos’ gifts.
Best!
[Reply]
I LOVE that you posted this idea! From the time that our oldest was born (he is 9 now), we have explained to our kids that at our house, Santa only brings 3 things because that is all Baby Jesus got. Those 3 things are always: something they want, something they need, and a surprise! On top of that all they get from us is a game and book! I take great joy in choosing their books every year. I try to pick one that reflects where and who they are this year! I write a note in the front so when they are grown, this will be what they take to their own homes and families. We also make sure they each get to go shopping to choose something small for their siblings, thus teaching them the joy of giving and not just receiving. My kids, like many others, get spoiled year round from all of our extended family! Christmas does not need to revolve around gifts and that is what we are trying to teach our kids. Thanks again!
[Reply]
Emily Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 6:57 am
I love the books reflecting them and the note included! so personal and sweet!
[Reply]
OUr family does the jammy thing too and every year so far they forget that it is jammies and then to bed. We have a traditions like apetizers for dinner the night before. Most of all the gifts we give are honest and fit their lives as they are. I love to give simply and with deep affection.
[Reply]
My husband and I have GREATLY simplified gift giving. For each other, we spend the money on a nice weekend getaway. No gifts to each other.
My children are in their early twenties. They know right up front they get $100 for their birthday and $200 for Christmas. It’s ‘in the bank’ for them. They can draw from ‘the bank’ at anytime during the year. They love this because when something comes up they really want, need, or want to do, they know can simply ask for the money. This ends up meaning no gifts on their actual birthdays or Christmas, but they are old enough to appreciate family, food and fun on those days.
We do not give to nieces, nephews, or siblings. The nieces and nephews have parents and grandparents who take care of that. Siblings have everything they need, and if don’t they just go buy it. After all, we are all in our forties.
My step-son is 12, so he does get a gift for birthday and Christmas, but just one thing. Generally it involves snowboarding and soccer.
We do not give gifts to friends. Instead, we host regular dinner parties.
None of us suffer from gift giving anxiety and we are able to focus on the spirit of the event. It’s great!
[Reply]
I love this idea…especially for Christmas.
As far as gifts I give…I am scrapbooker so I love to give personalized mini albums, frames, and home decor projects…my time is usually my biggest investment.
[Reply]
Great post! I love your idea for Christmas gifts. It really makes things more thoughtful. In this ‘more is better’ culture it’s really an effort to live simply and make things mean more.
For kids’ birthday gifts I try to get books or art supplies, especially if it’s someone we don’t know very well. I have found kids love art supplies – I stock up on crayons and watercolors during back to school (crayons for 10 cents a box, can’t beat that).
For adults I also go the consumable route. Most of my friends like coffee and there are so many neat flavors out there these days.
[Reply]
While I never spend a lot of money on a gift, I do really find joy in searching out the perfect gift for my family and friends. Here is “my wedding gift” . . . I give this at every wedding or wedding shower. I am always on the hunt for pretty pie plates on sale. Then I hand write 10 of my favorite pie recipe and tuck them in the pie plate. Usually under $5. and it is always well received.
I only share this idea, as it is highly unlikely that we will be invited to the same wedding. If we are, you will have to come up with your own idea.:)
[Reply]
Overspending during the holidays = guilty. We have scaled way back, but it gets overwhelming with so many siblings and cousins. Drawing names has helped a ton.
But we have 3 sets of parents, 5 sets of living grandparents, and 13 sets of immediate siblings – not to mention aunts, uncles, cousins. Sometimes this house looks like a Toys R Us imploded. It’s something we try to balance but always end up with too long a shopping list, and much too much here, too.
It’s a perfect time of year to be conscientious about it though. I think gift cards for book stores sounds like a thrifty and smart way to channel the consumerism.
[Reply]
emily Reply:
October 19th, 2010 at 7:01 am
This reminds me of a few years ago when the books I ordered from Barnes and Noble online didn’t arrive in time, so I went to our gathering with nothing for my dad. He’s super frugal so I told him “I’m giving you the gift of non-consumerism!” We all still laugh about it
[Reply]
i love this post! that’s all.
[Reply]
For Christmas and b.days my older children know ‘their’ (rather small) gift budget and are involved in the decision making. We prefer to get them something they really want. But I’ve never given more than three gifts combined plus a stocking. I love stockings and have a $40 budget for each & start looking in the summer time for treasures which usually allows me to find great deals.I do send some $ to my neices/nephews (or buy a gift until they’re old enough to care about saving $ for a specific item) and did the same for my younger siblings until they hit 18 years. We don’t participate in family or friend Christmas gift exchanges. For b.day parties my children attend, I prefer the cash idea unless they’ve specifically requested otherwise. My five year old was happy with a book exchange for her recent b.day while my 10 yr old definitely wants gifts! I actually hate this but realize that if I force her to do something else she’ll be quite unhappy.
[Reply]
This is something that my husband and I struggle with A LOT at Christmas. One Christmas I mentioned to my in-laws that I liked nutcrackers and they got me 43 for Christmas that year – not exaggerating!!! (Do I need to mention that they are Costco shoppers?). On my side of the family, we’ve started buying gifts just for the kids, but on my husband’s side of the family this wasn’t a big sell – we’re still working on it. My husband and I don’t buy gifts for each other anymore and instead one of us will buy the gifts for our son’s stocking and the other will him a few gifts “from Santa”. It’s just as exciting for us on Christmas morning to see what the other has gotten for him. This year – all homemade (useful) gifts.
[Reply]
Thanks for this!
I used a similar “formula” last year for Christmas giving for my kids and I loved it.
[Reply]
I have had to cut down on Christmas and birthday gifts. My husband had been out of work for a year and now has a new job that pays half of what he had been making. We give gifts only to our children and grandchildren. We limit the gifts to $50 each. I let the kids know this ahead of time so they wouldn’t be disappointed. I still feel bad about cutting back, but I will not go into debt for Christmas. Christmas is cash only, no credit card purchases. My daughter in-law’s family is well off financially and they over indulge their only child and their two grandchildren. I have to get over feeling my gifts are inferior to theirs. With 3 children and 5 grandchildren and a limited income, I have to be wise about what I can afford.
[Reply]
Hi! I’m new to your blog! Love the simplicity theme… it’s a theme in my life lately, for sure.
Gifts have never been too much of problem for us… we have a tradition of NOT giving gifts. I sometimes will get a little something for my son… but between my husband and I, we tend toward experiences together to celebrate our special days. My extended family lives too far away for me to participate, but they have a wonderful tradition of an annual day out together. It has evolved over the years, but basically, they all take turns planning, and there is a maximum amount of money that it should cost. Each person pays their own way and they all get to be together! I love it! As for us, I was thinking of starting a stocking tradition; I just remember loving that part of christmas, myself. Also, we tend toward celebrating the seasonal holidays, such as the solstice and equinox, that way there isn’t an emphasis on the gift aspect. Lastly, for birthdays, I do as you do, giving books, art supplies, etc. My simplicity twist is to use a homemade gift bag to wrap it up in. I make these out of random fabrics and ribbon I find second hand… they are very easy. I usually make 20 or so at a time, in different sizes, then I’m set for awhile. This way, I feel so much better about not consuming excess paper goods as well… Another good gift for kids that I rarely see given is crystals or nice rocks. We have a cool rock shop in town, and it’s sort of a tradition for my son and I to go there to pick out a crystal for the kid whose birthday it is… They are usually among the favorite gifts! Thanks!
[Reply]
Giving (and receiving) items that are appreciated can be a lifelong problem. A few years ago, I upset both my sisters by writing to them after Christmas and asking them not to give me any further gifts because as they never visited my home except for my children’s birthdays they had no idea what I liked/loved/hated/loathed, and they had given me things of no use. – sounds very cruel ? yep! but I had to tell them that I didn’t need any more “stuff” and I am regifting items now on a regular basis. A few months later, during a family get together, I commented that I was not able to make cakes at the moment as I did not have an oven/stove (due to renovations). My darling nephew turned to his mother (my sister) and said “aunty Nadine needs an oven” – hmm obviously my letter had been discussed in detail. Fortunately I was able to let him know that I did have an oven, it was just in storage.
So the end result has been that even though sometimes I feel a little envious when I see my sisters exchanging gifts, as they are still not to my taste, I would not use them, and they would only be regifted.
I also do not give gifts to the adults in my family – but I make gift wrapped cookies. Saves all the hours of working out what to give who, parking, fighting in the malls, etc. The only question, which cookie cutter will we feature this year?
Be brave, speak up, it worked for me, it may work for you too.
[Reply]
Several hours later ….
. Every one brings their own alcohol, and a portion of the meal. Then we rotate the houses. Initially we always went to my grandparent’s home, but when they died, we then went to the next generation’s homes, now they are past retirement age, so I put my foot down – gosh I am sounding like a bossy madam aren’t I! I am the eldest of the next generation, and my children range from 27 to 10 years old. So I offered to have christmas lunch at my home 3 years ago, and I suggested that all of my generation rotate afterwards. Well only 4 of the 10 of us have children, and only 5 of the 10 live in houses with gardens and room to spread out, so really it has been tacitly agreed that we rotate between the homes of those with children.
Something else we do that saves lots of money on gifts is the entire family – on my father’s side – gets together for Christmas lunch. My mother no longer has any living relatives within visiting distance, and this has been a tradition for so long that all new family members ie in-laws have had to work around it
The person at whose home it is cooks the Pork with crackling and hot roasted vegetables. Everyone else brings a plate of cold cooked meat, turkey, chicken, my eldest brought salmon one year! plus one salad and one desert. Then those who are cooking challenged bring nibbles, crackers, soft drinks (sodas or juice). My Mother always makes the pudding and the Christmas Cake – I guess that job will pass on to my unmarried sister soon as she makes brilliant puddings and cakes.
The children get lots of little gifts from their great aunts (usually books), and one great aunt always brings a bag that is sort of a lucky dip with things she has made at quilting, or quirky magnets, that sort of stuff and all the adults get to pick something.
Additionally, almost by accident, we often end up with 4 to 6 “orphans”, friends of various relatives who do not have a family to celebrate Christmas with – some of them are new Australians (refugees) others just people who need company. So, usually we are looking at 35 people (of which 8 are 17 or under).
People start coming at around 12 noon, Ms Santa arrives at around 3pm, and everyone leaves by 5pm, often to go home. Any food left over is recycled to anyone who wants to take some home for the rest of the holidays.
and in 2010, there will be a 10 month-old to enjoy their first christmas yippee my first grandchild.
[Reply]
Whenever I stop wanting or needing something I’ve received as a gift, I feel really badly about getting rid of it. What if my aunt suddenly asks why I never wear that pink fuzzy sweatshirt? Or my grandma asks why I never wear that inexpensive and not-cute jewelry she gave me once?
Do you feel any guilt or moral obligation? How do you handle purging out gifts you’ve received?
[Reply]
I admit I bristle at the “3 Things” advice “something to wear, something to read, etc.”
It seems a false – and fairly misleading – economy since everyone I have EVER heard/read mention it then goes on to admit that their children receive AMPLE goodies from extended family members and friends (ie. the grandparents, et al.)
We have embraced simplicity in the extended family. It is often such a burden for extended family to know what you want/need when they don’t see you daily, and many grandparents have DOZENS of grandkids, so even frugal gifts add up quickly!
In our case we embraced simplicity by cutting Christmas gift exchanges among extended family down to nothing. It sounds harsh but it’s been a welcome breath of fresh air. No more agonizing over what to get the brother-in-law we like but don’t have a clue what tools he has/needs/wants. No more worrying about getting 10 $20 gifts and keeping it all “even” for nieces and nephews aged 3 months to 21 years.
Thus, by keeping it to spending time (presence not presents) we can enjoy the spirit of the season and bask in the joy without having to say “so I have the receipt for that” over and over.
It does, however, mean that for me personally “three gifts” will not work for my kids. We allow ample gifting for our own kids – both from mommy and daddy and Santa.
[Reply]