We had company over the weekend. With open arms, we welcomed a member of our family that hasn’t seen us or our kids in 3 years. They are 6 and 3 – yes, it was too long. The anticipation we felt with the visit looming was great. I made our home as welcoming as I was able. We wanted nothing more than to share this slice of life that is ours – the home we have created and are still creating, the kids who are non-stop entertainment, and this beautiful place where we live with white sandy beaches, tourists galore, and 90 degree days with leaves on the ground.
I was so excited.
It all started off well enough. Hugs, comments on how much everyone has grown, a house tour, followed by these Simple Perfect Enchiladas for dinner.
Time went on. Little comments came. Things about the details on the house. Not every last piece of trim is in place. But it’s a pretty nice place if you ask me. Yet instead of focusing on the good, the little stuff got mentioned. Criticized. Sometimes that is the way people are. The next morning came and coffee was made. We don’t have a coffee maker, but instead use a french press. Our coffee maker died, we chose not to replace it and we’ve loved the french press ever since. It’s simple, it’s not electronic, it can’t break. It works for us. There was nothing wrong with the coffee. It was the looks of only having coffee to serve from that and suddenly we were being scrutinized as too frugal. Like the only reason we could possibly not have a coffee maker made in China and bought at Target is because we can’t afford one. Not because we choose not to have one. And so a new coffee maker was bought for us. One we don’t want or need and one we haven’t used since Sunday morning when we made appropriate coffee.
I realized things were going downhill fast. Suddenly the only conversations were about what we have and do. It was all about money. I was getting uncomfortable quickly. Were the nice things we have in our home gifts? Who paid for them? How did we pay for them? Why don’t we have certain things? We don’t have much stuff. I try to buy quality when we do buy something. We don’t just drop into box stores and drop paychecks off.
All the weekend had to be was a simple one of pancakes and sandy beaches but instead it became about what we have or don’t have. What someone else perceived us as “needing” and making us feel like by going without we were depriving ourselves, our children of a better life.
This life is pretty good, if you ask me. I stay home with my kids (another point of contention brought up), my husband is home by mid afternoon for bike rides, pushing kids on the swings and evenings playing with and enjoying his family while I make dinner and prepare for the next day. I know everyone does different things for different reasons. I had become very comfortable with what we have, who we are and the choices we make. I was simply taken off guard and suddenly felt the need to defend what is ours that we have fought so hard for and built so purposefully for ourselves.
I took it all personally. I still am.
I have been in a funk and reeling since the visit ended. I have been awash in self doubt. I have been angry and defensive. I have wondered if it’s all true. If what we have going here isn’t enough. If we are somehow failing ourselves and our kids by not buying into the whole appearances matter and stuff matters and labels matter. Did I mention all the labels in our home got analyzed? Yes, really.
It was disorienting and saddening.
I still don’t know what to do with it all but I do know this. I know that it is so important for all of us, no matter what, to be accepting. Accept other life choices, other places in life, other situations. Love that there is something out there – a way, a path – for all of us. And that there is so much more in this world that matters than how much something cost or where something came from or what your zip code is. The saddest part is that so much attention got paid to things that don’t matter, the big stuff got missed out on. There were people here, willing and able to provide a beautiful, simple, relaxing weekend full of love and laughter and instead it was spoiled by the material. Stuff you can’t take with you. The important stuff faded into the background.
What would you have done?
oh wow. what a tough situation. how did you handle it face to face? I may have wanted to ask them to leave. Emily, please don’t discount your choices. You have and continue to make very wise choices with the way you live your life. They are the ones missing out onlife. Kick those negative feelings to the curb and know that you are far beyond rich in my eyes : )
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So I didn’t read all of the 53 comments ahead of mine, and maybe this question has already been asked — but who on earth would ever do such a thing? You said family? It must not be family you are very close to. And, with that said, I’m sure that there is a reason. Not to put that family of yours down, but what they are living for is not what you are living for. Plain and simple. If you’re able to take a deep breath and get your life back into perspective perhaps you can just shake this off. It really is their loss. You all could have had a wonderful weekend. I bet they don’t realize that they made you feel this way and that they were critical. I bet they thought that you “deserved” better and their intentions came out looking really, really crappy. Sorry.
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Cross them of the list. They aren’t your friends.
I’ve never encountered anything like that situation – however, when talking about big ticket purchases I often explain to people that I think of big purchases in terms of how many more years I have to work, in order to buy something.
Mike
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Just try to remember how much you have learned about life and material things and what really is the most important. My hubby and I have been going through this with in-laws for as long as we have been married and that has been 21 yrs. I don’t think you can ever understand why people think everyone should be life one way especially family. You are living the life the best way for you and your family and that is most important thing.
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I’m just now reading this. Long sigh. It’s hard, isn’t it?
We have one side of our family who scrutinizes like that, and it always cuts me to the core. Especially because I think we’re doing so great with our resources.
No advice, just empathy.
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It’s hard when people, family especially, come in and criticize and analyze all that we choose “different” for our families. Take heart in knowing that you are doing right by your children. Continue on your journey and you will be mightly blessed! The things of this world do pass away – it is supposed to be about love and relationships, not stuff.
Hugs!!
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Emily, there is probably a good reason why you haven’t had these family members in your life for 3 years.
They don’t sound like very nice people.
You can’t choose your relatives unfortunately.
Just as well you can choose your friends! Just surround yourself with those who really love and respect you and your choices in life.
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I like the way people keep bringing up the french press
But really, the only way to even out to these rude people (I personally always try to make even, even if I appear rude, but that’s because I’ve had my share of difficult relatives that later luckily cut all contact) is to point out that your way is way better. Somehow make it look like they made the wrong choice. I know it is all playing into the appearances game, but if the only thing these people care about is appearances, then you have to speak their language.
Basically, if they claim something is shabby or home made, tell them that you appreciate anything home made over crap made in china. If they buy you coffee maker, make a snooty remark about the bad quality coffee it makes. If they complain about too little stuff or too few toys, remark with snide that stuffing one’s house is generally a sign of lower-income citizen (this I actually read from a research paper – (very) rich people do not need to “buy into american lifestyle”, since they know they can afford it anyway) and how kids with less toys get better grades etc etc…
I know these retorts come a little late. It’s just that we had to stand the first year of our toddler constant criticism on everything we did (and constant frequent unwelcomed visits on moment’s notice) until the person decided (apparently because I was putting up a good fight with as stingy counter-remarks as I could do) that WE did not want to see him any more. He told this to us when we were voluntarily visiting him, which was both a disconcerting and a tad hilarious. We are visiting him, voluntarily, and then he starts with a grave voice “I have come to understanding that you no longer wish to keep any contact”. We decided not to be the first to contact him and have been free ever since. No longer staying up two nights before and after his visits…
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I also agree with another commenter about the lemmings aspect. These people have clearly not stopped for a second in their lives to think about what THEY like, what is IMPORTANT, or anything more in-depth. They just want to be like everyone else and other options be damned.
I can relate so well because the relative I told about in my first comment had the very same problem. If we put our kid wool socks to hands instead of mittens (trust me, mittens fall of a 3-month old right away, but the socks have that curve that keeps them on) he started on how it was inappropriate, and when we pointed out why our way was more practical, he would start about “but what if someone else saw them and thought you were bad parents”. I would then point out that no one could see them under those layers of clothing and blankets, and he would then argue that what if it was a real “friend of children” who would come close to “inspect” the child…obviously, this was workings of a non-healthy mind (this example is rather lame in the series of criticism he subjected us to) but shows how little he cared about the baby and how much about appearances. This became evident in a couple of cases where he put appearances and his own pride over the safety of the baby.
Just remember, it is very hard to harden your mind, but that is what you must do. Don’t blame yourself, and allow yourself to be sleepless a couple of nights if that is how it goes, but remember that none of the criticism is real. And do not keep in touch.
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Wow, I can relate to this. I stay home with the kids. We don’t like to buy things we don’t need. We have chickens in the backyard b/c we like them not b/c we can’t afford to buy eggs! Some people just don’t get it. A simple life sometimes makes other uncomfortable. Perhaps they just can’t simply be but must shop and have labels & notice labels. I have slowly realized who I want to spend time with- those that love you for you not for what you have. I have drifted from my best friend for this reason. We don’t have many things in common anymore. Don’t let it make you really sad. Your life is yours for a reason, and if others can’t be happy for you then just let them go. It is hard and sad. Sounds to me like you have an awesome life! Be proud.
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I know that I am probably repeating what others have said. When people act like that, it is about them, not you. They are commenting based on their insecurities and it has nothing to do with you.
With that said, I just had to chuckle when, at the bottom of this post in my feed reader, was an ad for a coffee maker. It made me smile.
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Oh Emily, that sounds so hard! And disappointing! My husband and I make a lot of similar choices as your family, but the only people in our lives who can’t fathom it are family, who are somewhat easier to confront. (Although I do have my fair share of unwanted, unneeded ‘gifts’ that have been returned, resold, or even given away.) What an uncomfortable weekend you must have had. I think if it were ME, I would have said something after it became apparent that things would continue to worsen. The fact that someone – a friend! – would come to your welcoming home and inspect/criticize/judge is shameful. I know I’m a few days behind in my blog reading, and I hope that by now you’ve been able to shake off the funk and re-commit to the (GOOD) decisions you and your family have made and will continue to make. I also hope there’s a way to reach out to your friend and work it out, if possible.
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A few months ago while surfing house blogs I came across a celebrity real estate article and sat there staring at the pictures, trying to imagine how anyone could have “homes” all over the world. I rationalized, trying to be kind, thinking, “well, if I had to work in a place for several months, maybe I’d buy a house….” That didn’t work. But in considering this I had an epiphany. If I had to go somewhere and make a home, the only real necessities would be my kitties, my laptop (for journaling), and a quilt I’d made. Those things give me comfort and joy; the rest is just stuff.
Shake off your relative whose priorities are in the wrong order and be grateful they don’t visit often!
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I just have to say…that life that you described to me…it sounds HEAVENLY. Seriously, HEAVENLY.
Bike rides, swings, the beach, simplicity, TIME.
And that’s all you need to know.
Some people miss out on heaven.
That would sure stink.
Maybe one day they will disover it.
Maybe one day they won’t.
You just keep living it.
(And for what it’s worth…criticism usually manifests itself from jealousy and envy. Those are feelings THEY have to explore, not you.)
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[...] What is Really Important at Remodeling This Life, a thought provoking post from Emily [...]
I haven’t read all the posts so someone may have already said this but this is a clear case of insecurity on their part, not yours. They’re not secure enough with themselves to live a simple life like you have. People that name drop, label drop, buy things they can’t afford is all to impress other people and that’s really sad. I can’t image the personal attack you may have felt especially since it’s from a family member in your own home, but it sounds like you handled it with grace and that’s all you can do in a situation like that.
Don’t let this person steel your joy, you’re doing the right thing by living they way you know is right.
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Good gravy lady – 68 comments!?! You got your PEEPS watching your back!
And I’m so glad that all the comments I’ve read are so supportive of your choices, your simple life, and your lovely, much-loved home. Honestly?? You are one of the people I think about when I have a crisis of faith in the simple life I’m trying to fashion, and I SO profoundly admire what you all have managed to do.
To pursue a simple life (not a ‘cheap’ life, not a ‘low-class’ life) – it is an incredible discipline, but like all disciplines, ultimately SO rewarding.
Hope you’ve managed to shake the yucky feeling off (those things stick with me for so long!!) and find yourself renewed and refreshed in the awareness that you are living exactly the way you want to be. Making conscious choices, instead of should dos and should haves? Its golden.
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There’s only one thing you need to do here I think…realise that these people are not your friends and try your best never to see them again. Life is a set of choices, and those who can’t see that, or who refuse to accept that other people might choose differently to them simply aren’t worth knowing. Harsh, but true!
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