I know already this is not going to be an easy post to write. I know already that by the end, I will resemble my bathroom faucet after my son has climbed up on his step stool and started it gushing. But it has to be done for me to shut a door and open a new one.
I don’t know when it happened. It was gradual. Days of cheer that strung together like a daisy chain ended. The me that was known to say “It is so much harder to be mean and grumpy than it is to be nice” became someone who was finding it too hard too often to be positive, to find good, to feel cheer.
I became a version of myself that I never thought I’d be. Drowning in self-doubt, I became envious and resentful of those around me who never seemed to falter. I started wanting to see imperfection in everyone around me so I could know that it wasn’t just me that was breaking, broken.
The woman I was slowly becoming was someone I despise. Judgmental, angry, frustrated, insecure. I was everything I had never liked in others. It came and went. There were good days. A lot more bad days. Days that couldn’t end fast enough. Small things became too much to do. I gained weight. I stopped caring.
A span of days came and went during which all I thought about was how no one would miss me if I was gone. I cried. Kind of like that faucet I mentioned above.
Then, one day in the grocery store right in front of the cheese section, I lost it. The decision of mild cheddar, sharp cheddar, blocks of cheddar or bags of cheddar was too much and I dropped to the floor, curled up and cried. Cell phone-less, I had to get myself together and drag myself home and ask for help.
I wanted to be me again. I wanted to be the me who found passion every day. I wanted to be the me who enjoyed the mundane of the everyday instead of hiding from it. I wanted to laugh when my kids told jokes instead of telling them to leave me alone. I wanted to find the endless questions from a child that make no sense in the world to remind me of how precious and fragile the little minds around me are. I wanted to get back the desire to step outside, lace up my running shoes and challenge myself to do better than before. I wanted to be the person I once was that had silently and slowly slid away.
When my oldest was 5 months old and started crawl, throwing us for a loop and changing cleaning patterns forever, she’d go after everything she shouldn’t have – outlets, staircases, tables full of breakables, wood burning stoves – and we’d get up, chase her down and say “RESET!” and move her back to us over by our comfy spots on the couch. Over and over, she’d head toward things she shouldn’t have and we’d have to reset her.
Much like that, when it finally occurred to me that I had veered off in the wrong direction and was headed toward all the bad stuff, I knew I needed a reset.
It wasn’t easy. It isn’t easy. But the passion is back. The desire to be the me I love is back. I don’t say all this just to talk about a blip in my life. I say it because I know how alone I felt. Like I couldn’t tell anyone. Like no one else would understand. I dreaded being told to get more sunshine and it would all be better. I dreaded being told to go for a walk and I’d be healed. Sunshine and walking are wonderful but not when you’ve lost the desire to stand up. I want someone, anyone, to know they aren’t alone.
OMG, that story is my story except, I had people telling me I was over exaggerating. People told me that I was okay and that I “think” too much. I wrote a post about my depression after becoming a mom and a stay at home mom at that. It was the best thing that I’ve ever done. It felt so good to hear from women that had been there too. Even women that were still dealing with it and who emailed me and said that its nice to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Isn’t that something we want to hear anyway? That we aren’t alone.
Great post yet again!
Have a great night!
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You’re absolutely right, we are never alone, but it is always encouraging to hear it every once in awhile.
Love you Em!
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I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to write which is funny because I’m also tweeting with you about other, happier things right now. We’ve talked before about my struggles with depression. I still do, especially at times this Spring, whether because the future’s uncertain or just because it crept up on me.
It can be so insidious and it’s so hard to root out, I don’t know if one ever can get it all the way out and I don’t know if one ever should. Maybe having a touch of the memory, at least, helps one not be the person who suggests a brisk walk in the sunshine to fix everything.
I’m glad you have found your passion again. I really wish you were here because I can’t really finish this comment because I want to hug you. So I’m just going to have to leave it unfinished.
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I needed this post so much right now. Thank you for writing it!
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by remodelingthislife, remodelingthislife, Hank, Ruth, MoneyLifeNetwork and others. MoneyLifeNetwork said: Pushing the Reset Button http://bit.ly/bkm4ay [...]
Thank you…. That is all I can say. So comforting..
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Em, I’ve been on both ends of this story at various points in my life. Thanks for sharing the truth of what it is like. Life isn’t always lovely and perfect, but we can get through it somehow — and even get to a better place — if we chase after the right stuff. Finding the right stuff is how we grow, I guess! Never easy.
much love.
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I just went through a brief, and somewhat mild depression, and that was hard enough. I really feel for those who deal with depression–it is so debilitating. And so hard to pin down when it starts. But we all need to know that we don’t need to be ashamed or afraid to talk about it, or to get the help we need. Posts like this certainly help us recognize that “Maybe that is my problem” and get help. You may have saved a life today by writing this.
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You are a precious gem – so beautiful are your words – so real, so true. That, my friend, is a rare gift. Thank you for sharing your sincerity.
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I am sorry you have had to experience the deep darkness that drowns the spirit. I have experienced that darkness. Without medication I would likely not be here any longer. Thank goodness for meds.
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Emily,
You are so right – that we are never alone. Still, it can so feel that way sometimes. And we (I) think that no one would understand, that it might seem stupid, trivial, unimportant, etc, etc, etc.
YOU matter. I matter. Everyone matters.
Much peace to you…
Lance
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This post touched me very deeply. I have struggled with depression my entire life. It is now exacerbated by a chronic pain condition for which there is no cure. I am on medication but still have days where just getting out of bed is a major struggle. It helps so much to know we are not alone and to have someoneto talk to. If you ever want to chat, drop me an email. For us, just a kind word from someone who understands goes a long way. Online friends are such a blessing. Cyber hugs to all my online sisters who struggle.
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much like l.duncan i was told i think too much. that i should be grateful and stop exaggerating. i barely revealed more than extreme stress because i don’t believe this is a depression as much as it’s an adjustment. i’m overwhelmed.
does anyone else think this gig is ridiculous? in a results and project oriented world there is very little measurable evidence that we can point to at the end of the day and say “gee i did a great job”. house is clean, kids are healthy, we got some play and learning in. but nothing is ever “done”. we just have to do as much as we can and pat ourselves on the back because honestly, no one else is going to. it’s lame. no one would put up with this in a work place.
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You will never know who you touch with your story.
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i wrote a similar post several months ago about needing a monthly metaphor… otherwise known as i’m pretty sure i’m going to kill someone around here and it may just be you.
thanks for sharing.
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so brave of you to share this Emily. I think so many will relate and I can relate at many points of my life too. My mom really struggles with depression – I am the one that says “go for a walk”. I know it is much more than going for a walk though to genuinely feel better. The strength comes from deep within and I think you found it.
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Depression is so difficult. Thank you for sharing. I am comforted.
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Girl, your courage rocks my world. It’s so hard to go through slumps and to feel alone; thank you for sharing your journey…I’m so proud of you for stepping forward and for also letting us know that you’re seeking the sunshine once again.
I’m so glad we’re friends…without you, my online life wouldn’t be as full!
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((HUGS)) I just want you to know that I care. If you need anything at all, let me know. I am always up for talking/listening. <3
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I just love you. Really and truly. I get this, I get you.
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I love Emily’s comment, just above there. That about says it: “I get this, I get you.” I was there, this March, and I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to get out of it.
Here’s a radical idea – the gentleness that allows people like you & me to see the beauty of simple, the joy of mundane? Maybe that gentleness and openness makes us open to darkness too. So yes – we have to get help. Ask for help. Not let anyone tell us we’re exaggerating.
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Thank you so much for sharing. I needed this too. Need to know that we all have our times, and we can all get through it. You go Emily
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Yet again, your words have struck me deeply. Thank you for putting a voice to the words caught in my head!!
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This is a place so many of us have been. It’s wonderful to be able to show there’s hope to be happy again. I was depressed and everyone told me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get on with life. That only made me feel worse. There was nothing left for me to pull on. I went to the dr office for a skin rash and fell apart when she asked me how I was. The flood gates opened and I couldn’t stop crying. The dr was so kind and said, “you’re not leaving here today without help and hope”. I know I was saved that day. It’s awesome that you shared your story and how this has touched lives today.
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Oh, I have been to that place time and again. I need a small team of people to keep me out of that bad neighborhood. Welcome back to the good spot. I hope we’ll stay.
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I used to think that depression was something we overcame, but for me, it’s an ugly visitor that returns over and over again at different times in my life. It’s hard, but it’s getting easier to ask for help. That line from your post, “I had to get myself together and drag myself home and ask for help” struck me the most. There was a time when I couldn’t ask for help, didn’t know how, but I’m learning to recognize when I need it and am becoming less afraid to ask.
I do feel like we don’t talk about these things enough. So many of us fight this battle. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you for stepping up, for speaking out, for being honest. The people who have left comments here about their own experiences are wonderful, too.
The best thing I ever heard is that “depression lies.” I try to remind myself of that each time I see the ugly visitor coming through the doorway.
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thank you for this!
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You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
-FringeGirl
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I have struggled with depression since I was a child and finally got help about 3 years ago and have been a different person ever since. While I was going through it no one in my life knew how to help me or what to say. My mom thought it was a spirtual problem and my dad who I inherited depression from is still in need of help himself. Thanks again for having the courage to share about your struggles.
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Thanks for sharing. I think everyone, especially those of us with small children feel this way. Somedays it’s all just overwhelming. So how do you reset? I’d love to hear how you deal/dealt with this or links that you like that you think have helped.
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Thank you for the reminder. It’s so easy to slip back, pretend it’s not happening… you’ve encouraged me.
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I just needed this post today. You can’t imagine how much.
Thank you very much!
Greetings from Brazil!
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Reading this makes my heart ache because I care about you! And it puts me at a loss for words because I don’t want to say the wrong thing! I do appreciate your honesty, I imagine everyone can find something to relate to in your story, I know I can.
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[...] me start today by saying thank you. I didn’t know what the reaction to this was going to be. I was floored by the chiming in the, the stories you shared, and the support that [...]
Thanks for sharing. I have been reading your site for a little while and you are so “real.” You have no idea how familiar your feelings are to so many women out there. What a blessing you are!
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I have talked to so many friends who have felt the same way lately…I don’t know what it is about spring…something. I feel like it biologically messes with my head even though I love it. I can relate too…thank you for being so truthful.
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Hey, Emily, thanks for sharing your heart. I know that wasn’t easy, but I’m so happy that things are moving in a better direction for you. I sensed from some of your Tweets that something might be going on. Just know you are not alone in this. So many people deal with depression & anxiety & I pray things get better for you. Life can be so hard sometimes.
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it’s so hard to find that balance and so easy to fall into that frustrated pattern. i find myself doing it all the time.
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[...] Then, one day, I couldn’t make it through the cheese aisle at the grocery store without falling apart. I had to learn all about pushing the reset button. [...]
Wow, thank you. I needed this soooo bad. I am thankful to know that I am not alone. I had my melt down at home, in front of my kids. I screamed, hollered, & made them cry. I was blaming them for me going downward, when all along it was me, just giving up.
For me, it started with some medical problems, that eventually lead to weight gain. I just gave up when I started gaining. I just sit on the couch & tell my kids to leave me alone. I am snapping at my husband. I don’t want to do anything with any of my friends.
I am done with all that now. I am going to start exercising again, even if it is only 10 min. on my Nordic Track machine. I am going to do it. I need to lose this weight, I need to care about myself again. I need to be the happy mom & happy wife that my husband feel in love with. I NEED A CHANGE & to break out of this “UGHHHH” feeling I have been in, since Feb. It is waaayyy over do.
Thank you for helping me see the light.
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