This post published earlier and then I wrecked it all up and it disappeared. I am messy in more ways than one. Here it is again, hopefully to stay. Thank you to those of you who have already emailed me, messaged me, and found other ways to comment when it was gone. I apologize to those of you who subscribe and will get this twice now.
I’ve been feeling messy lately. Not just my messy house, though. I feel messy on the inside. Confused, anxious, uninspired. Both kids were napping when hubby got home from work yesterday, which meant we were able to sit together and have a cup of coffee and just talk. No kids asking for a snack or jumping off of the kitchen table. Just us. And I finally had a chance to tell him how I’ve been feeling. It felt good to blurt it out, all the messy thoughts at once. “I can’t stop thinking. Over thinking everything. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my head off for a day and I would be so much happier.” He continued to listen as I told him, “I sometimes feel like I don’t even know what my heart is saying because my head is talking too loud.” Does this all sound a little crazy? It feels a little crazy and I thought hubby might drive me to the nearest mental hospital.
The thing is, I have a hard time seeing how far I’ve come, whether or not I am making progress on me. Where am I going? What are my goals? Should I even have goals? Or should I just be patiently being mom for now. It’s not like fixing up a house so that when it’s all over I have before and after pictures to see what a transformation it has been. I can’t take snapshots of my head and my heart. And it’s easier to come here, to this place and post a picture or 12 of a project. It’s easier because I can keep shoving the random, incoherent thoughts away instead of laying out there who I am. I am more than a house project, more than a frugal find at Goodwill. Those things cover up the mess inside me. But then I am left with the rambling thoughts in my brain that I keep shoving aside. The things that make me me. More than anything on the outside does.
So, I decide that for today, I will just blurt. I will blurt the insecure, crazy parts of me that make me this real person that isn’t always as put together as some may think. The person who can’t get a cup of coffee without cleaning the kitchen sink. The person who can’t put a child to bed without sitting for a few minutes, staring, and wishing and hoping I’ll be a better mother tomorrow. The person who knows how important it is to just be, to engage, to enjoy the little moments as they glide by, but still misses far too many by over thinking. The person who is one big mess.
Shared with Emily at Chatting at the Sky for Tuesdays Unwrapped.
love your honesty. love it. a while back I wrote a post about that all I wanted to be was a mom. Being a mom is enough. actually, the world needs more moms like you. moms that care so much. yet, i know that doesn’t make you probably feel any better. i do suggest yoga though. i know crazy. but, it does help with focus. quieting the mind. calming the constant chatter of our brains. at least give it some thought : ) xoxoxo
.-= Denise´s last blog .. =-.
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Emily, I aspire to be more like you. But I do know what you mean. I think it comes with being a passionate person. When ya feel it – you don’t feel it a little, when ya think it – you don’t think it a little either. You are living your happiness, your dream, but maybe not all of it just yet. I am a wee bit older and I have found that my desires change and grow like I do. It’s the ebb and flow of life.
Yoga is AMAZING, so is volunteering, so is being the best mom you can be – you will name your passion. Sorry it’s such a winding road to get there.
hugs
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I am guessing you already got my long answer to this post.
You are a passionate person and the road to betterment for you and your family will sometimes be a messy one. I have been feeling messy too, but am coming out the other end with more thoughts and tools to incorporate into our lives that will hopefully make some big improvements for us and those around us. It’s all a work in progress, right? Hugs.
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I loved this post and I needed to see it today, so thank you for all of your mess
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Great post. Your honesty is an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your heart! I think we all feel messy at times. I know I do.
-FringeGirl
.-= the domestic fringe´s last blog ..I’m Like an Elf with an Afro =-.
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i love this. i love your honesty and your willingness to be open and share what most of us hide from others and even sometimes ourselves. it’s a long, slow road but i think you’re traveling it. keep your head up and your heart full.
.-= amanda´s last blog ..my girl =-.
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big hugs em! i don’t have anything really inspiring to say except that i think you are wonderful. and that you have come a long way and that feelings like this really do makes us appreciate the small things in life. <3
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Castelli =-.
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From one messy gal to another…it’s okay. Fall into the arms of the One that loves us, mess and all.
.-= Melissa Multitasking Mama´s last blog ..Friendships and Relationships =-.
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I LOVE this post. Way to be authentic and share your soul. That’s one of the reasons why I just adore you. : )
.-= the BLAH BLAH BLAHger´s last blog ..Peer Pressure and Presents Work Every Time =-.
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Wow, I read (and appreciate) a lot of blogs, but never felt compelled to comment…until this post. I seriously felt like you were in my head, typing out everything bouncing around in my own cranium. I have discovered that I feel like this a lot. It is hard to quiet the mind sometimes. I don’t have any sage wisdom to share, just that you are most definitely not alone in your messiness. Thank you for being who you are and not trying to hide it, you inspire me. =)
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We’re all messy. I used to think this was bad, but am learning that it just makes us human . . . and interesting.
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself here. It helps the rest of us more than you know.
.-= Beth @ Smart Family Tips´s last blog ..Steady Days: A Review =-.
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Beautiful post. It’s just what I needed to see today.
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You’re not alone, I have times where I feel the exact same way. Thank you for putting yourself out there, just letting yourself just be where you are. *hugs*
.-= V. Higgins´s last blog ..Heart breaking =-.
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For some reason I have felt the exact same way this week! Must be something in the blog air. I would like to blurt, but have no way of gathering my thoughts to do even that. Love that you were able to:-)
.-= Amy @ Living Locurto´s last blog ..Cheesy Chicken Muffins =-.
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test!
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this is a test of the IE system
heart you see you soon
.-= The Nester´s last blog ..Elements of a Working Office :: A Giveaway =-.
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Hey Emily – great post. Keep your chin up!
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Whoops, I use Firefox. I am insane.
.-= The Nester´s last blog ..Elements of a Working Office :: A Giveaway =-.
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Ok … here’s IE – did it work?
.-= Nicki at Domestic Cents´s last blog ..Waiting On Extra Purchases =-.
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Now I read the post and am muchly in love with you. I love real people, people who have the talent to put feelings I have into nice, neat, meaningful words. Thank you for sharing real Emily. We like her because we can relate.
.-= The Nester´s last blog ..Elements of a Working Office :: A Giveaway =-.
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Hi, Emily, I’m on IE and hoping this goes thru for you.
I think we can all relate to your feelings at times. Somedays it feels like I’m just floating thru life with no real purpose in mind & I have to keep my priorities on the Lord to help me stay focused. You’re a mom & that is def. your first priority for the people in your life.
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Oh, and can’t wait to meet you at Blissdom!
.-= Rhoda @ Southern Hospitality´s last blog ..Valentines Day at Open Sky =-.
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testing again
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I gave the “test” comment yesterday without reading the post :-/ I came across it today in my Reader and had to come back. Thanks so much for this honest post. It feels good to relate to someone
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Oh, I can sooo relate to your post, in more ways than you can imagine, yet you inspire me, in way I can’t quite explain. It feels nice to know that I am not the only one who’s head is scrambled!
Keep your head up!
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brilliant. and timely. and thank you…you made me nod my head & smile.
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