It’s Not a Competition
I have a 5 year old daughter who thinks everything is a competition. Whether she is coloring with her brother, eating breakfast, or out on a scooter ride, she is talking about if she is faster and better than someone else. She’s really good at competing with her brother. Probably because at age 2, he’s not better at anything than she is, just yet. They color together and she goes on about how she is a better colorer than he is. Well, yes, that is because you can properly hold a crayon and are twice his age. She doesn’t care. So long as she is better. At dinner, she’ll talk about how she ate more faster than he did. Congratulations, you’ll be the one with the tummy ache later. She doesn’t care as long as she’s faster, better, more.
We constantly tell her, “It’s not a competition”. She often replies “I know. But I’m still better.” I’m glad to know she gets it. 
I get thinking about the competitive streak in her and what it means that she wants to do things first, better, faster. I like that she’s striving for something. I don’t like that she thinks she has to better than someone else at something in order to know she’s good at it though. She’s a good reader. She does very well in school. I want her to know that even if 12 other kids in her class could read more words than her and read harder books than her that it doesn’t mean she isn’t still a good reader. She is herself, and she needs to strive for what is right for her, what suits her, what she enjoys.
I can’t say I don’t think the same things as she does. Instead of basing my own goals on where I am now and where I want to be later, in relation to what my skill set and place in life are, I can get down if I am not where someone else is, as good as someone else is, or getting there as fast as someone else did.
I constantly have to remind myself, “It’s not a competition.”
Do you have this friend? The one who makes it seem like raising 12 kids is a cakewalk, that they have never ever raised their voice in 30 years of parenting, they always find time to exercise, they never eat anything bad for them, they have enough money for everything, their children are perfect and never misbehave, and all of their life goals were exceeded by the age of 30? Yeah, me neither. And if I did know someone trying to portray that, I’d know it’s not real. Yet somehow, I can make myself feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough. I can beat myself up that I don’t parent as well as the friend next door, that I can’t run as fast as another friend, that my photography is horrific, that all the things that I would be totally happy with if left on my own are suddenly not okay when comparing to others. I had a great run the other day, but it wasn’t olympic gold worthy. I still go out and run and enjoy it. I took photos of my son today, and they won’t win any awards. I still pick up my camera and take pictures and enjoy it. I won’t ever win a Pulitzer Prize but I adore writing and I’ll keep on doing it.
When I set aside the fact that there is always someone who does something better than me, I can just look inward, strive for a better me. Not strive for something I can’t be, or something that isn’t authentically me. Just me. It’s not a competition with anyone else. When I want better and more it should be better than I was yesterday and more than I did last week.
I don’t know where it started – the comparing and the competing. The need to show your neighbor you have as much or more than they do. The need to show your parents that you got further than they did faster and provided better. But this need somehow took us off course. Took us to a place where nothing was real anymore, where everyone was just faking it to look good, better, more, faster, bigger. And it’s not very pretty.
Being content with what we have, what our means are, what our own individual dreams are, got lost in an effort to keep up. To compete with people we didn’t even know well enough to know that it was fake. I want to teach my children that it’s not about doing it better than each other, or better than anyone else. It’s about doing what feels right to you. Doing what you have the means, the desire, the ability to do, and doing it the best you can. It’s not about being the best compared to others. It’s about being the best you. It’s not a competition.
Well said. Usually when I see this behavior exhibited externally by adults, it’s by people who have low self esteem and feel a need to prove themselves to everyone. I imagine there’s a healthy amount of that desire in many young children, too, without the negative implications.
My son is only two, so we haven’t come up on this yet. I can only guess how difficult it must be to instill confidence and drive in your child without pushing them too far.
While I can’t say with certainty, it seems that a lot of this mentality came about with the explosion of consumerism, which takes advantages of people’s desires and fears. Ironically, in an attempt to be happier, most people only find misery.
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” Took us to a place where nothing was real anymore”…. so true and so well said!
You are very insightful!
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I would do well to read this post everyday. Well said, Emily. Can’t wait to meet you and your (now) bracesless-self!!!
.-= emily´s last blog ..the magical world of Disney =-.
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Well said. If we could all just help each other be the best each of us can be instead of comparing and competing, we would be in a much better place methinks.
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My SD did the same thing to my SS. They are 16 months and we always warned her when she would beat him at running (or anything) that one day he would be bigger and she might not be the fastest. That day has come and her brother is better and faster than her at a lot of things. She has now stopped trying. Which is completely sad. We are trying to get he back on track, not to be better than her brother but her best.
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My girls are twins and we recently had to end a friendship with good friends because their daughter was constantly “competing” with my kids, and the parents encouraged it in a way. For instance, if my kids got a birthday gift, their friend would show up with the same item a few days later, or one even “bigger and better”. It was very frustrating and trying for us as these were good friends of ours. The mom’s reaction when I broached the subject was “It’s hard for my daughter because your girls are twins and she can’t compete with that.” What? So she needs to one-up them in every other area because she isn’t a twin too?
We finally pulled our kids from all activities they did in conjunction with this child — as her constant one-upmanship was difficult for my kids to deal with at their age. It was a tough decision to make, but I am glad we did it as my kids are much calmer and interact with other kids on a much easier level as they don’t always have to be on guard.
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It’s so hard to know, though, what is drive to be better and what is overly competitive. Don’t you think?
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Emily Reply:
January 17th, 2010 at 9:23 pm
Terri, you are right, it is hard to know. But we each know in our hearts which one we are. I want to work on me, and make sure my motivations are true to me.
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I absolutely love this post. So true. So hard to not fall into the compettion trap. I find myself really needing to practice what I preach to my kids A LOT lately. This is one of those issues. Thanks so much for the reminder… God has graced me with so many blessings. I need to be grateful for who I am right now at this moment. Thank you..
.-= Nancy´s last blog ..8 =-.
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Oh this is my daughter too! She is 8 and her brother is 4 and she does everything better than him, and as a result he just wants to hang around her the entire time…. he follows her, he copies her, she imitates her. I am trying to get my son to understand that he is different to her, he is a boy for example, he is 4 for example….. but for the minute I guess that is just where he is at. But I will look at ways of focusing on his strengths and encourage himself out of himself.
Your daughter looks so cute…
Sara (Sydney)
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Loved this post, Emily. I haven’t blogged in months because every time I read through my reader there was someone doing it better. I finally got a grip and remembered why I started blogging in the first place, not to compete with anyone else, but document my life – the good, the bad and the ugly.
.-= Alana @ Gray Matters´s last blog ..The Way I Roll =-.
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Thank you for sharing your experiences – it is nice to see that others face similar challenges. I have three children — 4,6,9 — and the six-year-old has been making everything a competition for nearly a year. Like you, I try to emphasize that “learning” and “trying” and “doing your best” are much more important than winning. It seems to fall on deaf ears, but I hope as he matures he will understand.
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I don’t usually leave a comment, but your post could have been written by me! I agree with all of my being that you must be happy with who you are. I live in a neighborhood that is filled with competition and it has taken me so long to just STOP and focus on keeping my family happy and not compare ourselves with others. Just be true to yourself and to let your children know that they will fail and it will make them stronger as a person. I love your blog,you do a great job!
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