Finding Comfort
September 8, 2009 at 2:00 pm , by Emily
There is this thing that my daughter says to me every single day. Here is how it goes. I shower and get dressed. Some days I wear a sundress and flip flops. Other days I wear jeans and a tshirt. Sometimes I do my hair. Sometimes I put on lip gloss. Regardless of any of those things, she looks and me and says, “you look great!”. It is impossible to look into that little girl’s eyes and not believe her. I always reply, “thank you” and give her a squeeze that smooshes her head against my belly.
If anyone else were to see me and say the same thing, it goes something like this “you look great!” and I fumble and bumble my words and put down my hair, my clothes, or whatever it is I am unhappy about myself at the moment. I am not at all gracious in accepting compliments. I am not at all gracious with myself.
I have never been comfortable in my skin. I have never been happy with the body my soul resides in. I am really good at finding flaws. I am an expert at putting myself down. I am confident with who I am on the inside, the things that make me tick, the things I find inspiring and the beliefs that I hold close as the foundation of who I am. But on the outside? I am really good at doubting, comparing, and never really being comfortable.
I spend a lot of time making my surroundings pretty and comfortable, yet how can I truly be comfortable anywhere if I am not comfortable in my own skin? And so I have spent years of berating and oodles of therapy to beat the demons that have caused agony. I spent years starving myself – blaming my dad for not being what I thought he should be, blaming boys would didn’t love me back, blaming people around me instead of looking at myself and admitting the problem was that I wanted to disappear and had nothing to do with anyone else.
I spent hours on the treadmill, burning every last calorie that I had counted for the day. I hopped on the scale more than 30 times each day. I went clothes shopping just to see if I was a new size. It wasn’t pretty and it took a lot of tears, hope, faith and peanut butter sandwiches to get me to a place where I realized that I was more than a number on a scale, that I shouldn’t be reducing myself to what magazines will tell you that you have to be in order to be something, in order to be loved.
All of that, two pregnancies and a lot of stretch marks and a belly pooch later, I find myself more comfortable now in my skin than ever before. I look better than last year and I know I’ll look better next year. I know that confidence will change in time for the better. The comfort will settle in and feel like an old friend I can lean on when I get down. I know that what I look like today is worth celebrating instead of berating, because all too soon I will look back and realize how good I had it when I was 30.
Too often, I’ve hidden behind photos with my kids or photos of myself pregnant to define who I am and what I look like, as if it was only okay to have my picture taken if I had a good excuse like a cute kid and a tender mother-child moment to document, and certainly not just to document the singular me.
And so, when hubby had the camera out over the weekend and asked if he could take a picture or two or ten while the lighting was good, I agreed. I know I’m not there yet, but I let myself try to find that comfort with myself. And when I was told I looked great, I believed it and simply said “thank you”.
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by sarah
On September 8, 2009 at 7:38 pm
hi Emily
goodness I think I could’ve written this myself, especially the kids saying you look nice thing – a simple little word from them on how they see it and I never see it!
I’ve put myself through agony on so many things and still in my late thirties I compare and put myself down blah blah blah – I only wish I could be more confident about me although blogging has given me that to some degree…I recently took the plunge and stuck myself on my blog, however it’s still b/w and has a camera in front of me to hide my face lol!
anyway I tried the loving myself thing via Flylady – stuck little notes everywhere saying to love myself, it sorta worked, oh and now when I find myself saying things like eeeuuuuuhhhh I hate my pale skin/ugly feet/flat chest I turn around and say ‘what ya mean those feet that have got you around for nearly 40 years and played high level competitive sport with, what that skin that is healthy, what that chest that fed 3 babbas???’
anyhooo goodness sorry I blabbered I only came here to say thanks for commenting and to look at your bathroom that you got some inspiration from me from…
Sarah
xo
.-= sarah´s last blog ..Beach Cottage Famous, Longest Ever, WC Makeover Peek =-.
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by Jaime
On September 8, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Aww!
.-= Jaime´s last blog ..Goodbye Summer {NaBloPoMo 8} =-.
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by living with lindsay
On September 8, 2009 at 8:40 pm
You are so beautiful, Emily! I’m so sorry for the struggles you went through earlier in your life, but I’m so glad you are starting to see the beauty in yourself. I’ve never met you and I can see it!
.-= living with lindsay´s last blog ..Teach Me Tuesday: DIY Puppet Theater =-.
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by Lisa
On September 8, 2009 at 9:41 pm
That post got me a bit teary-eyed…you are beautiful and a fabulous friend!
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..my girls and i =-.
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by rue
On September 8, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Did you steal my own thoughts? Let me just say that…. I know EXACTLY what you’ve been through, but I’m not where you are yet. Oh and by the way… you really are beautiful
rue
.-= rue´s last blog ..Gone with the Wind… =-.
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by Denise
On September 8, 2009 at 10:07 pm
you did it! I am so proud of you.
many many hugs!!!!!!!!!!!
.-= Denise´s last blog ..peaches and pears =-.
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by Emily
On September 8, 2009 at 10:44 pm
thank you ladies. love you all.
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by Kristi
On September 9, 2009 at 8:22 am
That is a wonderful picture of you & YES you really do look great! This post is something I like every single woman can relate too. Probably even the ones in the magazines. It’s sad really. I started telling myself recently that while my house is not ‘new’ or ‘pre-fab chic’ like every. single. one. of my friend’s homes- I LOVE it just the way it is & I need to stop caring that they may be judging my house because the only people who should be judging my house are those that LIVE here. Maybe I’ll have to start doing that with my self-image. Only those that reside in this body have the right to judge it accurately or at ALL. & I really do like my body- my son is 2 and I still marvel that I made him, my body knew what to do and it DID it & he’s perfect.
Love your post & love your blog. It makes me happy to see a ‘not new’ home being celebrated and loved on! (Now go do the same for yourself!!!)
Kristi
.-= Kristi´s last blog ..A neat little Giveaway! =-.
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by FrugalChick
On September 9, 2009 at 8:51 am
Beautiful, beautiful post.
.-= FrugalChick´s last blog ..Book Review: Choosing Simplicity =-.
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by Liz@violetposy
On September 9, 2009 at 9:00 am
What a lovely post, I know exactly what you mean. My daughter says a similar thingto me everyday and I hope she has as much confidence in herself when she’s older. Btw you look stunning in that photo
.-= Liz@violetposy´s last blog ..Taking some time off =-.
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by TidyMom
On September 9, 2009 at 9:46 am
What a wonderful post Emily. You are beautiful inside and OUT!! Isn’t it wonderful that the old you get, the more you realize that and love your body for what it is?♥
~TidyMom
.-= TidyMom´s last blog ..Peach Cobbler =-.
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by Christi {Jealous Hands}
On September 9, 2009 at 10:53 am
Emily, you are lovely both inside and out. Thank you for this post!
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by Amy @ Living Locurto
On September 9, 2009 at 11:28 am
Holy cow woman! You look gorgeous!!! We need to see more photos with you in them. I think you are so right, how can you teach girls to be comfortable in their skin if we aren’t in ours. Way to go:-) Tell your husband he did a wonderful job!
.-= Amy @ Living Locurto´s last blog ..Fast & Easy Treats =-.
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by Jan
On September 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm
How well I can relate to your words. That is a beautiful photo and you look fabulous!!
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by Emily
On September 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Thank you all for sharing. The words you all have spoken here and via email have really made me think. I wish that all of us knew that this is a universal struggle. That we ALL feel this way from time to time, and some of us always, but that it doesn’t have to be that way. We are all harder on ourselves than we should be and it would be a joyous and beautiful thing if we saw ourselves as the beautiful beings that our friends do.
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by V. Higgins
On September 9, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Girl *huge hug* Firstly, you are lovely and beautiful. I love how relaxed you look in that photo. Secondly, you are not alone in that struggle. I still have a hard time believing my husband isn’t just being nice when he calls me beautiful. Thank you for sharing yourself here. ^_^
.-= V. Higgins´s last blog ..Why broken? =-.
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by Alana @ Gray Matters
On September 9, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Emily, thank you so much for sharing your heart. For me, I’ve found the opposite to be true. I had so much more confidence when I was younger. I never thought to compare myself or my body to other people until after I had babies. I hope to get back to those more confident days soon.
.-= Alana @ Gray Matters´s last blog ..Hello, Anyone Out There? =-.
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by Missy K
On September 9, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Wow, this hit close to home in so many ways.
Thanks for sharing of yourself, your beautiful inside and lovely lovely outside, with us.
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by links for 2009-09-09
On September 9, 2009 at 7:08 pm
[...] Finding Comfort | Remodeling This Life There's not much I can say about this, except it hits close to home. (tags: self confidence photography compliments) [...]
by Wendy
On September 10, 2009 at 12:37 am
Oh, this post was wonderful. My daughter (and sons) say the same thing. They always think I look great. I love them!!
I also went through the starving, weighing, calorie-counting and obsessive exercise time as a teenager. Even now, I have to be careful. I tend to sway into black and white, all or nothing. When I do exercise or watch what I eat, I can easily become obsessive again.
And why? Do I want to be a stick? Do I want anyone to feel like they NEED to look like anything other than what they are? Do I want my sons to look at women that way? Do I want my daughter to feel that way? NO! Yet the critical person inside of me points the finger at ME, and only me. Even though I’m happy with my fitness level now, I still don’t feel “okay” in my skin. My features are loo large, or my hair too thick or my feet too big. I wish the criticism in my head could just be shut off. For good.
Way to go!
… it takes courage to write a post like this!
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by A Lived-In Home is a Beautiful Home | Remodeling This Life
On September 10, 2009 at 7:09 am
[...] Finding Comfort [...]
by Gwen@MurphyGraceHome
On September 10, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Ah my dear, we have walked down similar paths. I just wish that we had known that we weren’t alone on that path:)
You look beautiful!
.-= Gwen@MurphyGraceHome´s last blog ..The Secret to Canning is the Music =-.
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by Barbie
On September 10, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Thank you so much for this post! I can so relate to it. I have far to go and messages like yours are such an encouragement.
.-= Barbie´s last blog ..Welcome to the Diamond Castle =-.
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by Megan at Simple Kids
On September 10, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I can relate in so many ways.
I have to say you are GORGEOUS, mama. Stunning.
.-= Megan at Simple Kids´s last blog ..What We’re Reading Wednesday: September 9th =-.
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by Linda (UK)
On September 11, 2009 at 5:24 am
You really ARE beautiful you know. Your face is so pretty, you look cool, and you also look as though you have character, and a lovely nature. Superb photo.
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by janice
On September 11, 2009 at 10:20 am
Beautiful post, beautiful photo, beautiful you!
I posted my first ever photo of me on my blog this week to celebrate me turning 50. My biggest problem was the perfectionism behind trying to find one that looks like I think I look like inside</i.
.-= janice´s last blog ..The House of the Thousand Horrormoans =-.
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by Christa
On September 13, 2009 at 11:27 am
Ahhh, you are so pretty. It is the warmth I see in your face that looks so inviting.
You website is making me nuts, in a good way. I too write, but instead of doing that, I want to go back and make sure I read ALL of your posts! Your writing touches me, thanks
.-= Christa´s last blog ..FIRST- Abide With Me by John H. Parker and Paul Seawright =-.
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by melissa @ the inspired room
On September 14, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Emily, you are beautiful.
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by Cute~Ella
On September 16, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Your words have inspired me and for that I think you’re beautiful. And easy on the eyes too – if that doesn’t sound too stalkerish.
.-= Cute~Ella´s last blog ..Ditzy Said What: Part 1 – Guest Post: Taudrey McEvel =-.
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by Kimm
On September 17, 2009 at 5:30 pm
What a fabulous picture, but I knew that you were drop dead gorgeous before I even saw it, because you let us see the beauty inside of you every day. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, we all need to hear them.
.-= Kimm´s last blog ..Pumpkins Rising =-.
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by Nicole
On September 22, 2009 at 9:25 am
Fantastic.
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