When we bought this house 3 years ago, it isn’t what I wanted. I was afraid of this journey, of having a house as a project, of the unknown. Really, what I was afraid of was having something so big and so important be so imperfect. You see, I wanted to feel like everything I did was just right. I wanted to do things like I was “supposed to”. I wanted a bright, shiny, clean, new home to reflect bright shiny perfect me. The problem was and still is, that I am not perfect. I just didn’t want something like my little, ugly house to show that to the world. I wanted a house that I was proud to invite people over to. I wanted a home that showed all kinds of unrealistic and untrue things about myself – like perfection and grandness, and prettiness.
Moving into this home and starting this project was humbling. For the first time in pretty much ever, as I stared at my home ripped to the slab because even the studs were too ugly and falling apart to keep, I felt like I was looking myself in the mirror naked with nothing to hide all the flaws, the imperfect and ugly things about myself. And instead of hiding, I had to face it. There is a reason this blog isn’t called Remodeling This Home. I knew when I started this blog, a year after we’d started this journey to rebuild a house from the ground up, that this project wasn’t just about the house. It was about me and all the things I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to see that I spent too much money, was not a nice person, and had my priorities in life all wrong. I just wanted to be me. I was fabulous. I was amazing. What was there to change? I was the shiny new house with granite countertops and bronze fixtures. But if you ripped down those walls to the studs, I was rotting, I was ugly, and I needed remodeling.
I have embraced this process so much because every step of the way, I have felt a change in myself. I have had to step back, swallow my pride and just let things be as they are – sometimes ugly, some things I want to hide in a deep dark closet, some things I just want to paint over and hope the old paint doesn’t show through.
This house saved me. It made me stop and realize that there is more to a beautiful life than high ceilings, square footage, and shiny kitchens. I have learned along the way that sometimes things seem great for a while, changes have been made and enjoyed and then bam! another problem arises. Something else I need to fix, whether it’s a kitchen wall or a friendship gone wrong, I have to look at the ugly and figure out how to fix it. I have learned that it’s easier to fix something than to pretend it’s not there.
Embracing this imperfect home has allowed me to embrace imperfect me. Let myself be me, goofy, ridiculous, awkward, shy me. I have realized that by allowing myself to see the things less than stellar about myself is the only way that they’ll ever change. It’s not all about the house or all about me, but part of it is about finding out a truth about myself that I didn’t want to see. I don’t know it all, I don’t have it all, I am not the prettiest, smartest, funniest person ever, and I don’t need to be. I need to be the best me. Just like my house won’t ever be the biggest, shiniest, prettiest house, it is my home. For imperfect me and the most important people in the world to me. We have and will continue to make our improvements together.
Amen, sister!
.-= the BLAH BLAH BLAHger´s last blog ..Wedding Sneak Peekaboo =-.
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that was awesome. what a great analogy. i love that you are embracing not only your home but also yourself. I just heard this morning while running that we can not honestly love others until we love ourselves. so true.
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You’ve done it again … every so often when I come across your blog in my reader I get this feeling. A feeling as if you have taken the thoughts straight from my head and put them in words on your blog. I love the realness of your words and the feeling of emotion you put in your writing. I love you for being you (and ven more for taking the time to write about it) Thanks for yet again inspiring me that I can be a better person just by BEING MYSELF!
.-= Stacy of KSW´s last blog ..You deserve it! =-.
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Hi, Emily-
My name is also Emily. I’ve followed your blog for a while but this is my first comment.
I really related to this blog. I appreciate your candor. And you seem to have your priorities straight as well. Good for you!
I moved from a really cute bungalow to a cookie cutter house a few years ago. I’m really grateful to have housing, don’t get me wrong. But the girly girl in me wanted something cute and special. I’m also learning to accept what is right here and now and take baby steps toward improving our house. My children need to be my first priority.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Emily
.-= Emily Dykstra´s last blog ..Why I forgot the Baking Powder While Grocery Shopping Today =-.
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Here here Emily! We all are imperfect — it pains me that so many people spend their life obsessing over their homes, trying to make them perfect. We miss out on so much when we are striving to make what we live in the most perfect shiny and amazing place ever. Love your perspective!
xo
.-= melissa @ the inspired room´s last blog ..2 Year Blogaversary {faints} & A Big Thank YOU =-.
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Great thoughts, girl.
Thanks so much for being brave enough to share.
One thing that came to mind when reading your words was to encourage you (though I’m sure you’re already aware) that you are not alone on the renovation of your heart…the master carpenter is the one really refining you, all you need to do is continue to unlock the doors and let the work be done.
.-= heidi´s last blog ..Something you should know about me… =-.
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Awww, I love you girl. You are awesome!
.-= living with lindsay´s last blog ..Sharing Your Goodwill =-.
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y’all are the best. Love you back.
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First time I’ve read your blog. This post is awesome and very helpful to me. Wish I’d read it before four years of expensive therapy. I’ll be reading more. Thank you.
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Beautiful.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..hidden in the olive grove =-.
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Yes, yes, yes!
“Embracing this imperfect home has allowed me to embrace imperfect me.” I am preparing a post on this very topic for my personal blog to share later this week. That is EXACTLY what living in an old, imperfect house has done in my spirit.
This is gorgeous.
.-= Megan at Simple Kids´s last blog ..Finger Food: 11 Ideas for Breakfast and Snacks =-.
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I think there is a real danger in looking at all the magazines/websites that show perfect homes arranged for a photo shoot. They are marketing to us that we need to have perfection too. Really they are trying to make us feel like we need the granite, stainless steel, whatever to be happy so that the advertisers that buy space in their publication can sell their product to us! Once I realized that I got kind of angry that I had been swept along into the want, want part of decorating.
I got a wake-up call when I actually visited one of those homes that had been showcased in, I think it was Better Homes, and it was pretty homely all by itself without the marketing know-how.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Food for the larder =-.
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So true, this post really spoke to me, thanks, Emily!
.-= Bella Casa´s last blog ..Time, Inc. Moves Into Historic Detroit Home For One Year =-.
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Fantastic post Emily. In the midst of remodeling chaos it made me feel much better about the house and me
rue
.-= rue´s last blog ..Changes =-.
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