On Sunday, my daughter was having a playdate here with a friend when she started acting obviously overtired. I ended the playdate and drama ensued. I expected her to be unhappy, since she is always unhappy when a friend has to go home. What I didn’t expect was what I actually got. She wasn’t just unhappy. She screamed like her arms were being ripped off. She cried like both of her dogs just died in the same moment. And she said things. She, at 4 years old, told me “You are so mean, you should not be allowed to be a mother. I am going to live somewhere else. You are not my mother!”
After picking the pieces of my broken heart up off the floor and wiping away tears of my own and she eventually stopped flipping out enough for us to talk, she fell asleep in my arms after telling me “I changed my mind. I really do want you to be my mama.” Whew, because you know what? For better or worse, I’m her mama.
I know it would be easy to say “oh she was tired, she didn’t mean it”. That is true. But I wouldn’t be being honest if I said that the words “I should not be allowed to be a mother” haven’t sped through my brain before. Maybe not for ending a playdate, but for other failings. I guess that is what motherhood is though. Ups and downs, smiles and tears, a series of moments – perfect and imperfect – strung together that matter more than anything.
This year for Mother’s Day, my mother-in-law is visiting. She flies in tomorrow for a long weekend. The last time she saw my kids was nearly 2 years ago – in the life of a 4 and 2 year old, that’s a long time. The last time she came here, we had yet to start the remodel on this house. I should have spent the day cleaning and folding laundry but I keep telling myself that she’ll be so impressed with her son’s handi-work and my ability to nag like there is no tomorrow that she won’t notice mounds of laundry or dust bunnies in the corners.
So, instead of spending the day cleaning, we went to a birthday party at the beach. Then, instead of coming home and doing all those things like folding laundry and sweeping dust bunnies, I took a nap. All afternoon. I am learning that the things that need to get done will get done. And they have. Those things are done now, and I am ready to have company. And I got to enjoy my day. I am trying my hardest to find balance in life and today it felt good to feel like I found it.
I am going to spend tomorrow at a Mother’s Day luncheon at my daughter’s preschool. I am fairly certain it’s supposed to be a surprise, but without thinking, she has been singing a song to herself when we drive in the car. Something about being a special mommy and having a happy mother’s day. I plan to. And I am glad she’s over thinking I shouldn’t be allowed to be a mother.
My kids haven’t said anything like this to me yet, but I feel like the day will come. Especially from my daughter…because don’t all moms and daughters have moments like that?!
The other day, my daughter (age 3) was extremely mad at her daddy, and he asked her if she didn’t like Daddy anymore. She shook her head, basically agreeing that she didn’t like him. Later, I took DH aside and said, “You shouldn’t say that to them. It’s not an option for them to ‘not like us.’ They don’t get to say that.” He agreed, and then I had a chat with the kids, explaining the same thing to them. For now, it works. Our son is 5, and our daughter is 3. Later down the road…when they’re teenagers…we’ll see.
I’m glad she recanted and changed her mind. Have a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend!
[Reply]
I have been having similar issues with my daughter who is 7 (I worry about the teenage years)! However, I know this week there has been a lot of top secret “Mutterstag” things going on – cards, gifts and even learning a poem! So, I guess I am forgiven after all
[Reply]
I have had many moments of “I shouldn’t be a mother.” I remember when my oldest was born 2 1/2 years ago. For about two weeks I kept thinking “when are those people going to pick their screaming baby up?” just like I might mistake Wednesday for Thursday. Of course I loved him instantly, though. Motherhood has educated me far deeper than any degree I ever earned.
Shannon´s last blog post..Food Roots – May 7
[Reply]
Parenting is the hardest thing! I had a bad mothering moment late last night… I think we need naps too:-) Hope all goes well with your mother-in-law and that you have a nice weekend! Love your beach photo. I’d sure like to be there right about now:-)
Amy´s last blog post..Grandma Chunkie’s Chocolate Pie Recipe
[Reply]
Every now and then I get one of those balanced days too and I think, Why can’t I do this every day?
Happy Mothers Day Emily!
Nicki at Domestic Cents´s last blog post..Dontcha Hate It When …
[Reply]
Hi Emily! – have you had your braces for a while? I am considering them even this stage in the game : )
I’ve been trying to “chill” about the house stuff. It will always be here. I love the example you are setting for your kids – fun times are most important.
Oh, my son told me I was the meanest mom ever yesterday. I shouted YES! I told him I always wanted to be told that. It worked. He couldn’t help but laugh.
xoxoxo – happy mom’s day.
Denise´s last blog post..bringing work home
[Reply]
Happy Mother’s Day, Emily! I hope you have a wonderful time with your mom. You deserve it.
Writer Dad´s last blog post..A Mother’s Day Poem
[Reply]
What a lovely story! Happy Mother’s Day to someone who certainly deserves to be a mommy!
Donna M.´s last blog post..200th Post Celebration!
[Reply]
Hi Emily! Your posts are so validating and refreshing. Parenting is the hardest job I have ever truly loved. It takes tremendous stamina, big shoulders, and small moments to admit it is okay, enough is enough, and draw the line in the sand. That is the courage and determination that drives us to be the mothers that our children are always thankful for and will understand more and more as they grow. We are thankful for mothers like you, who stay in the moment and work your way through the tress so you and your family can see the forest. Love it!
cindy platt´s last blog post..Mothers Who…
[Reply]
I just stumbled onto your website and your story about the confrontation with your daughter. I’ve raised 2 children and my granddaughters are now 4 and 2. I always thought that if my children didn’t say “I hate you” once in awhile that I wasn’t doing my job. It did happen occasionally, but now they come to me for advice on many things, including child rearing. It sounds like you are doing great at one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs there is.
Happy Mother’s Day.
[Reply]
Beautiful photo! You are both stunning.
Happy Mother’s Day Emily!
Squawkfox´s last blog post..My name is not really Squawkfox
[Reply]
Happy Mother’s Day! May it be balanced and filled with love, peace and joy!
[Reply]
Hi Emily
Oh honey, I’ve been there and it hurts every. single. time. Truth be told, I used to flip off my mom behind the door when I was teenager because she wouldn’t let me do one thing or another LOL …. BUT, I loved her then and I love her now and if something were to happen to her I would die inside. You know she loves you, but I just wanted you to know it’s normal, it will happen again (and again) and this to shall pass
rue
rue´s last blog post..Mother’s Day on the porch
[Reply]
I love this post. I’m marking it in my tumblr so I can read it again.
emily @ chatting at the sky´s last blog post..chatting about photos
[Reply]