Comments on: Enough

By: qenohrts

qenohrts — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 22:14:02 +0000

I was drawn to your experience with your daughter, because like most of us, I have also been in that situation. Like yourself, I found myself questioning how contentment is taught and experienced by a child. Through information and skills I gleaned from learning about play therapy, I have come to understand that my initial reaction to my children is often blown out of perspective, the perspective of our children. Yes, contentment is an important characteristic to desire in one’ child(ren), but the situation can be viewed from another perspective. Kids are in the “here and now” and their feelings are expressed greatly through their reactions to situations, compared to most adults that have the ability to translate their feelings into words. I see the situation as fairly simple. Yes, your daughter was enjoying the time having lunch and playing, then she simply noticed another child with something that was appealing to her. In her underdeveloped way, she was expressing how good it would feel/taste/be to also have ice cream, a thought that would probably go through our heads as well, if we only allowed it. Instead of a concern about contentment, she just needed an affirmation that the ice cream looked so good and that she really wished she could have some just like the other girl. It’s amazing how they can handle disappointment of not getting what they desire right now when, as parents, we can recognize for them what they are feeling without blowing it up to adult proportions. Oh, the fun of growing as a parent!

By: deepali

deepali — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:40:30 +0000

I guess all you can do is try. Your daughter is not a little version of you. She is herself, in all her 4-year-old glory (which by the way, does not include the concepts of contentment and understanding). You can say no, and you can explain why, and little by little, as her brain develops, the pieces get chained together until the synapses stop firing out of control and she gets it (hopefully). But, I suspect, the frustration is not actually directed at *her*. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Momming is not an easy job. You did her an amazing service by saying no, so don't do yourself a disservice by feeling bad about it! deepali´s last blog post..revisiting the 10 year plan

By: Good Reads: Awards Edition : Domestic Cents

Good Reads: Awards Edition : Domestic Cents — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 07:04:17 +0000

[...] Enough at Remodeling This Life (When do you say ENOUGH to your kids?) [...]

By: Elisa at blissfulE

Elisa at blissfulE — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 13:05:17 +0000

I think your mommy instincts were right on – enough is enough.

We actually do our kids a favor when we set boundaries. It’s less painful if the boundaries are set and understood ahead of time.

You might find it easier if you make all the decisions before you go into the restaurant. What would you like? OK you will have nuggets, you will have fries. You will get to play on the equipment, etc. Then we will leave and do such-and-such. If the boundaries are set ahead of time, you won’t feel like a grinch for refusing something that wasn’t part of your agreement. And your children will come to learn that they should negotiate ahead of time for ice cream or whatever.

But that’s just an idea for a strategy. One that saves me innumerable headaches!!

What I really wanted to say was – your personal experience from the time when you thought more stuff would purchase happiness will be the greatest teaching tool. I don’t think 4 is too early to hear a little of the story — you’ll know what’s appropriate to share. Even if your girl doesn’t get the whole picture now, she’ll sense the conviction and truth in what you share. This is something you have suffered through that maybe because of your experience she won’t have to. Now that’s a great gift for a mom to give – much better than an ice cream cone!!

By: Emily

Emily — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 11:37:42 +0000

Alison, you are right that the way the request came up was not ideal.

Thanks everyone for your input. I know this is something I am not alone in so it’s nice to hear other’s experiences. Somehow I think just caring, thinking about it, and *wanting* to raise grateful kids are steps in the right direction.

By: Alison

Alison — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:37:54 +0000

I think it's not so much about contentment, but about not getting everything you want when you want it, which is probably contentment just more on a four year old level. Sometimes when we go out, we stop for drinks at Sonic, but mostly not. My four year old requests it (sometimes through screaming and yelling) an awful lot though and I'm sure I've said to him "no, you've had this and this and this and you don't need that". I look at is as trying to teach him that sometimes you get treats and sometimes you don't. Most of the time, he's okay when I say no (maybe because he knows that next time he might get it?). I get the impression that she didn't ask nicely for the ice cream cone and I wonder how this situation would have played out, both in reality and in your mind, if she would have asked nicely. Alison´s last blog post..The Small Things

By: Nicki

Nicki — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 03:39:34 +0000

All you can do is say “no” and explain why. My 5-year-old sometimes does GREAT – and then there are other days when it’s all Right Now, I Want, and Gimmie-Gimmie! It’s enough to make a mother scream. I don’t think it’s “being too hard” – the more she hears it, the earlier she hears it, the easier it will be for her to “get it” when she is old enough to understand.

Hang in there!

By: Lindsay

Lindsay — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 03:04:54 +0000

This is an issue I struggle with daily. I have a son who will be 3 in a few weeks, and I am so very guilty of indulging his every whim. It's such a joy to see his face light up when he gets what he wants! I've also found that it's so much easier for me to buy the 99 cent Hot Wheel at the store than to listen to him whine about it while I try to get my shopping done. My DH really wants me to stop doing it, and I understand why, but he's not the one at the grocery store. LOL I have no advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Lindsay´s last blog post..Pride, Patriotism, and Pancakes

By: Alana @ Gray Matters

Alana @ Gray Matters — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 02:13:29 +0000

First, let me say you're a way cooler mom than I am because I generally refuse to go inside chik-fil-a mumbling something about it not being open yet. Mainly because I've lived through too many of those scenes and on occasion have to choose the path of least resistance. Second, I think you being the person you are and modeling graciousness will eventually take hold with your children. Alana @ Gray Matters´s last blog post..Reversible Apron: Take One

By: Laurel Plum

Laurel Plum — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 01:22:19 +0000

We have a very large extended family and our son is the baby which means everyone wants to spoil him. He is almost 5. I hate it, but I often play the bad guy and deny the extra requests and try to convince the others to do the same. Even when I really do not mind the little bit more. I know he doesn't get it, but I feel it would be harder to let him always have his way now and then suddenly change on him as he gets older. I feel it important that he is able to see me as being consistent. And there is something to it. Whenever we go by ourselves to the grocery or to lunch, he no longer asks for the treats at checkout, but whenever we go anywhere with the extended family, he always asks them. He may not get the bigger lesson of being content, yet, but he is obviously learning. Laurel Plum´s last blog post..LPO Clutter Scavenger Hunt 11 - Do Not Call List