Yesterday, I took my kids to Chik-Fil-A to play at the play place and get lunch. My daughter usually only wants a milkshake but yesterday she made a big deal about how all she wanted was chicken nuggets. Fine, because all my son ever wants is french fries. So I ordered one kids meal with two drinks and we sat and they ate. This was after they had played in the play area for a while. So we had done the two things that she had said she wanted to do, we were finishing up lunch getting ready to leave and then..then, a little girl about the same age as my daughter walked past with a vanilla ice cream on a cone. Oh the drama that ensued! She wanted an ice cream. Vanilla. On a cone. No attempts at “we have ice cream at home and you can have some when we get there” or “You’ve played and had lunch, that’s enough” worked. She was SO. MAD.
And so was I.
I know I shouldn’t be so hard on her, she is only 4 and I have my own weakness for ice cream too. What made me so upset was that she had been gushing about what a great time she was having, this was all she had wanted to do, thank you and then bam! someone walks by with something that she doesn’t have that looks nice and she wants it too. I know, it’s not a fancy car or new clothes or a bigger house, but I felt like it meant something and I had to help her with learning that we can’t always just have what everyone else has and she needs to be content with what she does have. She should be happy I took her out to play and to have lunch (lunch out is a true rarity ’round these parts) and that she got a big paper preying mantis to put together in her kid’s meal. Thankful instead of whining because she has to have what the first girl walking past has.
For me, it’s easy to say when enough is enough because I have lived not so happy days when I thought if I just had what everyone else had, I’d be happy. I know that there is a point where enough is truly enough. Should I not be expecting my daughter to get this until she has experienced it herself? 4 year olds (at least mine) are all about instant gratification. NOW! MORE! Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I wonder if it’s in vain trying to teach her being content with what she has at 4. I don’t know if I can teach contentment. I don’t know if she can learn from me when she doesn’t need something, no matter how much she wants it. I do know knowing to say “enough” from time to time won’t hurt.
I don’t know if they will ever get that concept at age 4. But I do know eventually, they will. I’ve been working hard trying to teach my son how to manage money for about a year now. It’s tough teaching them they can’t have whatever they want, especially when some of their friends do! He’s 6 and I think a light bulb just went off! He wanted a new video game (something Santa didn’t bring) and out of the blue asked if he could have a lemonade stand to make money to buy it. WOW! So we set up his stand, he got his friends involved, waved down cars and went door to door asking if neighbors would like to buy some of his lemonade. $12 was made that day, just enough to buy a used copy of what he wanted. He was so proud and so were we!
So keep up the work on your 4 year old, someday soon she will “WOW” you and you’ll realize it was worth it!
Amy @ Living Locurto´s last blog post..Something fun!
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you have officially blogged my life. and at chickfila none the less. I love to go there on hothothotTXdays but it inevitably ends like yours did…and once I say no I never go back (its the one parenting promise I made to myself)…
MizFit´s last blog post..Let’s burn some calories & stoke that metabolic fire!
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She’s four years old. She can’t even grasp this abstract thought process you want her to “get”. And it’s ice cream on a day where she’s already having fun. Not entirely reasonable to be upset with her.
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I grew up eating cereal for breakfast every morning but I know how important it is for children to make decisions so I allow mine to choose what they’d like to eat. This morning my 6 and 3 year old both wanted waffles. Of course they like them served differently. My oldest prefers her in dunking strips and the younger one likes bite sized pieces. Well this morning the six year old wanted one of hers like a cookie (not cut). My youngest asked for hers in pieces even after I asked her if she’d like waffle cookies too. Well all was fine until we got to the table. I want a WAFFLE COOKIE! I explained to her that it was already cut and tomorrow she could have hers that way. Not what she wanted to hear. I did not give in and hopefully she she learned that you don’t get things just by crying. This ended up setting off other tantrums throughout the morning but I’m just glad we were at home and not out somewhere.
Good job on not giving in. Parenting is not easy.
Lia´s last blog post..A hat for me
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It’s tough not to give in isn’t it? We only have one child right now, so it’s supremely difficult not to indulge every little thing she wants, but I agree with you. I want to teach her that there is value in self-control and that contentment brings far more joy than instant gratification.
Nicki at Domestic Cents´s last blog post..Things I Say To Kids, But Never Adults
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Ha, raising kids is a long process! You just keep instilling the teachable moments, but realize they may not fully “get it” until they are older. It is two steps forward, one step backward (or several steps backward sometimes!) … but eventually you will do a double take and realize they have self control, manners and carry themselves appropriately in public. Those are some of the most rewarding moments along the journey!
Your daughter has a great mommy to show her by example how to become a graceful and grateful young woman.
melissa @ the inspired room´s last blog post..A Kitchen Makeover & The Benefits of a Small House
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Isn’t it hard? My daughter is the WORST at this. UG. At Disneyland I actually said “If you complain one more time you’re not going to be able to talk for the rest of the day!”. haha. The lady standing behind me actually laughed out loud. But seriously, we are at DISNEYLAND and she was still pouting about not having a hat, or a toy, or a churro, or whatever someone happened to be walking by with. She’s 7 by the way. So you still have a long way to go.
Ashley @ Wide Open Wallet´s last blog post..Net worth
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I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a 4 year old to grasp the abstract concept of contentment. There are adults who can’t grasp that concept. Learning to be content with what we have, where we are in life, etc. is truly a lifelong process. I’ve waffled on what it takes for me to be content at different points in my life on different issues — home, children, job, etc. Finally, at the age of 43 I feel like I get it. Yes, there are days when I’d still like to have something else but usually if I wait 24 hours to make a decision (something I’ve learned to do)I realize that the something of yesterday isn’t nearly as important today. Be patient with her. She’ll get it at some point, she’s got a good teacher.
Nancy´s last blog post..There’s an Imposter in my House
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If there was a way to teach contentment, I would study that class so hard. I like to think I’ve made progress in the ‘enough’ department, but it seems to be something I’m always working for.
Rae´s last blog post..I made It…. today: Stinky’s Quilt
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I agree it is/was unreasonable to think she can “get” contentment. I also think it’s going to be too late if I wait until the “right” time to try to teach these things. I simply want her to understand gratitude and if that means walking out without ice cream, I am okay with that. If I took the attitude to say yes during every fun day to every request, I’d be indulging a lot of requests and raise an ungrateful child. We do indulgences, we do fun, we do them all and I think it’s okay to teach them what enough means.
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We have a very large extended family and our son is the baby which means everyone wants to spoil him. He is almost 5. I hate it, but I often play the bad guy and deny the extra requests and try to convince the others to do the same. Even when I really do not mind the little bit more. I know he doesn’t get it, but I feel it would be harder to let him always have his way now and then suddenly change on him as he gets older. I feel it important that he is able to see me as being consistent. And there is something to it. Whenever we go by ourselves to the grocery or to lunch, he no longer asks for the treats at checkout, but whenever we go anywhere with the extended family, he always asks them. He may not get the bigger lesson of being content, yet, but he is obviously learning.
Laurel Plum´s last blog post..LPO Clutter Scavenger Hunt 11 – Do Not Call List
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First, let me say you’re a way cooler mom than I am because I generally refuse to go inside chik-fil-a mumbling something about it not being open yet. Mainly because I’ve lived through too many of those scenes and on occasion have to choose the path of least resistance. Second, I think you being the person you are and modeling graciousness will eventually take hold with your children.
Alana @ Gray Matters´s last blog post..Reversible Apron: Take One
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This is an issue I struggle with daily. I have a son who will be 3 in a few weeks, and I am so very guilty of indulging his every whim. It’s such a joy to see his face light up when he gets what he wants! I’ve also found that it’s so much easier for me to buy the 99 cent Hot Wheel at the store than to listen to him whine about it while I try to get my shopping done. My DH really wants me to stop doing it, and I understand why, but he’s not the one at the grocery store. LOL
I have no advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Lindsay´s last blog post..Pride, Patriotism, and Pancakes
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All you can do is say “no” and explain why. My 5-year-old sometimes does GREAT – and then there are other days when it’s all Right Now, I Want, and Gimmie-Gimmie! It’s enough to make a mother scream. I don’t think it’s “being too hard” – the more she hears it, the earlier she hears it, the easier it will be for her to “get it” when she is old enough to understand.
Hang in there!
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I think it’s not so much about contentment, but about not getting everything you want when you want it, which is probably contentment just more on a four year old level.
Sometimes when we go out, we stop for drinks at Sonic, but mostly not. My four year old requests it (sometimes through screaming and yelling) an awful lot though and I’m sure I’ve said to him “no, you’ve had this and this and this and you don’t need that”. I look at is as trying to teach him that sometimes you get treats and sometimes you don’t. Most of the time, he’s okay when I say no (maybe because he knows that next time he might get it?).
I get the impression that she didn’t ask nicely for the ice cream cone and I wonder how this situation would have played out, both in reality and in your mind, if she would have asked nicely.
Alison´s last blog post..The Small Things
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Alison, you are right that the way the request came up was not ideal.
Thanks everyone for your input. I know this is something I am not alone in so it’s nice to hear other’s experiences. Somehow I think just caring, thinking about it, and *wanting* to raise grateful kids are steps in the right direction.
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I think your mommy instincts were right on – enough is enough.
We actually do our kids a favor when we set boundaries. It’s less painful if the boundaries are set and understood ahead of time.
You might find it easier if you make all the decisions before you go into the restaurant. What would you like? OK you will have nuggets, you will have fries. You will get to play on the equipment, etc. Then we will leave and do such-and-such. If the boundaries are set ahead of time, you won’t feel like a grinch for refusing something that wasn’t part of your agreement. And your children will come to learn that they should negotiate ahead of time for ice cream or whatever.
But that’s just an idea for a strategy. One that saves me innumerable headaches!!
What I really wanted to say was – your personal experience from the time when you thought more stuff would purchase happiness will be the greatest teaching tool. I don’t think 4 is too early to hear a little of the story — you’ll know what’s appropriate to share. Even if your girl doesn’t get the whole picture now, she’ll sense the conviction and truth in what you share. This is something you have suffered through that maybe because of your experience she won’t have to. Now that’s a great gift for a mom to give – much better than an ice cream cone!!
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I guess all you can do is try. Your daughter is not a little version of you. She is herself, in all her 4-year-old glory (which by the way, does not include the concepts of contentment and understanding). You can say no, and you can explain why, and little by little, as her brain develops, the pieces get chained together until the synapses stop firing out of control and she gets it (hopefully).
But, I suspect, the frustration is not actually directed at *her*. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Momming is not an easy job. You did her an amazing service by saying no, so don’t do yourself a disservice by feeling bad about it!
deepali´s last blog post..revisiting the 10 year plan
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I was drawn to your experience with your daughter, because like most of us, I have also been in that situation. Like yourself, I found myself questioning how contentment is taught and experienced by a child. Through information and skills I gleaned from learning about play therapy, I have come to understand that my initial reaction to my children is often blown out of perspective, the perspective of our children. Yes, contentment is an important characteristic to desire in one’ child(ren), but the situation can be viewed from another perspective. Kids are in the “here and now” and their feelings are expressed greatly through their reactions to situations, compared to most adults that have the ability to translate their feelings into words. I see the situation as fairly simple. Yes, your daughter was enjoying the time having lunch and playing, then she simply noticed another child with something that was appealing to her. In her underdeveloped way, she was expressing how good it would feel/taste/be to also have ice cream, a thought that would probably go through our heads as well, if we only allowed it. Instead of a concern about contentment, she just needed an affirmation that the ice cream looked so good and that she really wished she could have some just like the other girl. It’s amazing how they can handle disappointment of not getting what they desire right now when, as parents, we can recognize for them what they are feeling without blowing it up to adult proportions. Oh, the fun of growing as a parent!
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