Remodeling This Life

There is one thing that I have learned from my mother-in-law through seeing how she treats her children and that is to do them the favor of saying no. This is one of those situations where you learn a lesson by seeing something done one way and having it turn out so badly that you learn not to ever do it that way yourself. My mother-in-law does not know how to say no. To her children, strangers, a cashier, to a waiter, to her children, to anyone. If someone asks her to do something, offers her something or worst of all asks her for things that cost her money, she will - every single time - say yes.

The most obvious way this comes up is that she cannot say no to her 3 daughters. They have 12 years of college classes and not a degree in sight, trips to Europe, houses, cars, expensive clothes - anything you could think of that 3 girls who have never been told no would ask for and major (and serious, sad) issues to go along with it. It’s really sad to see because from the outside, it’s pretty obvious that some boundaries from early on would have done them all some good. She’s done a disservice to herself and to her daughters by lacking the ability to hold onto what is hers.

I think a lot of it has to do with her own desire for people to see that she *can* buy them the things they want. Saying no might imply not that she has boundaries, but that she can’t afford it. And that would be bad. Wouldn’t want anyone to not *know* you have the means to pay for a trip to Europe.

Now that I have children of my own that are learning and exploring and testing limits and asking questions and asking for me to buy them things, I find myself thinking of my mother-in-law more and more. I don’t want children who don’t know how to be told no. I don’t want a daughter who says nobody loves her if she doesn’t get enough presents under the Christmas tree when she is 21 years old. I want children who know that I love them and know that I like to do things for them but also know that there are limits. I want my children to understand that part of the excitement and thrill of taking trips and buying things you want and having things you like is working hard for them yourself so you can take satisfaction in that. I want them to learn what an earned dollar is. I want them to learn where it comes from, and that money is earned not just handed over.

Whether it is $2 or $2,000,000 - it doesn’t matter if I have the means to pay for it for you or not. It’s about limits and boundaries. My 3 year old is just beginning to understand the cost of things. She’s starting to look at price tags and see the differences between prices in clothing and toys and food and even gas. But this is all new. Until now, she had no clue if something she was asking for cost $1 or $100. So if I said yes to every $1 thing she asked for just because I had a dollar in my wallet, all I am teaching her is that she gets whatever she asks for.

Taking the cost of items out of the equation and making it more of a lesson in limits and teaching that simply because we want something and can afford it does NOT mean we buy it is so important. We can save our money for something that we may prefer to have more, we can think about whether or not we really have to have the item and how useful it is going to be to our life if we do buy it. We can talk about the fact that we have a lot of things very similar to it so adding one more is not something we need to do with our money right now just because she likes it and I can afford it.

I know it’s not simple. I expect many battles ahead and many “you don’t love me” proclamations when I don’t give in to their every whim. I am not trying to buy my children’s love though. That would get very expensive. I just know that when they’re older, they’ll respect and appreciate it and we’ll all be glad they aren’t 20 and 30 somethings that go to mom with the sugary sweet voice and batting eyelashes when they want something. I want to do things for my children as they grow because *I* want to - not because they guilt me into it or because I am trying to prove myself as a person with the cash to say yes. I want to provide for my kids, of course. I want to enjoy buying them things and surprising them, giving them gifts to make them smile. But I plan to teach them what hard work, saving, delayed gratification, and financial priorities are also.

Other posts from around the web that address this same topic and issue are

How I Taught My Preschooler The Value Of A Dollar at Being Frugal
Teaching Preschoolers About Money and Formulating An Allowance Plan For Our Almost Four Year Old at Paid Twice
Life Is One Big Chore at This Wasn’t In The Plan

My dad has been out of town for about 2 months. He came back to Florida today and stopped by my house to visit. Before he left, he said to me “Your house looks great. I’m so proud of you.” On top of that, after they left, he called to tell me “You played your own game. And you played it well.” I guess unless you truly know my dad, you don’t know how out of the ordinary this is. He doesn’t walk around praising other people for their life choices and the way things turned out for them. He thinks everyone should do things just the way he has and that is the only way to have things turn out well.

Two and a half years ago, I remember sitting with my dad and my hubby and I telling him our plan to buy a fixer upper, pay cash for it and do the work ourselves. He thought we were crazy, totally insane and were going to end up upside down and backwards in trouble because of our crazy ideas. He has admitted defeat. We played our own game. Did things our way and it worked out okay. We bought a house that made him want to throw up in his mouth a little and made it an amazing cozy haven for myself and family. I can truly say there is no greater reward than him coming here and sitting comfortably and telling me that I did okay. It may not have been conventional, it may not have been expensive, it may not have been elaborate, but I have lived my life my way, played my own game and here I am, holding up my trophy and saying I did it! I have made it on my own terms.

This is how we should all live life. Playing your own game. Live life the way you see fit and the way that makes sense and works for you. Personal finance is just that - personal. We all have to make our own way with what we know and what skills and knowledge we have. There is no one answer. One person may be comfortable investing in real estate while another prefers individual stocks and another mutual funds while other people just love playing the frugal game and others a combination. There is no one answer for everyone.

That’s the fun and beauty of life, that we have choices to make and there are so many probable outcomes but what matters is that we find what works for each of us. We all have to find what make us happy and allows us to have fun and make the best of what life has to offer within our own comfort level. We all just have to play our own game.

Every night when I am tucking my daughter into bed, we read a few stories and then we lay together talking, about the day that is ending and the day that is to follow. She’ll say, “What day is tomorrow?” and I tell her the day of the week and then she’ll ask, “What are we going to do tomorrow?”

Sometimes we have “big” plans like a trip to the pool with some friends or an afternoon at the park for kite flying and a picnic. Sometimes we don’t have anything planned so I’ll ask her what she’d like to do and we’ll make a plan. Other times I’ll tell her that we aren’t going anywhere away from the house but we’ll decide what fun things we can do around the house and yard together.

Well, today, the plan for the day was that my mom was coming by first thing in the morning and picking her up to go to the airport to get my dad. My daughter LOVES the airport so she was giddy. Then I told her that they were going to take her to the zoo. Even giddier she got. And a little scared. She loves animals but she also loves to be scared of them. So we talked for a while about the different animals that would be there and how no, they can’t eat her.

She dozed off and I continued to lay there with her thinking about how to her and all children, life is all about a series of experiences and things to do. It doesn’t matter big or small, but they love to do things. I don’t know about other kids, but mine never asks about what she’s going to eat or wear or buy or who she’s going to talk to and what will she say when she sees them.

All the things that we start to get caught up in as adults take us away from the true act of living the life we have. Instead of filling our days with thoughts of conversations gone wrong, friendships that drifted apart, purchases we can’t wait to make, how we look, what others think of us, if we think more like a child and spend more time thinking of the things we can DO with our life, I think we can find more inner peace and confidence and joy. No one ever gushes about how great their trip to the mall and waiting in lines and eating fast food was that day. Replacing the consuming with things that make up true life experiences like playing in the sand at the beach or planting seeds and nurturing them until they bloom makes life so much more fulfilling, so much more joyful, and full of pride in seeing a life being lived rather than one slipping by.

Two years ago this week, we closed on our house. For two years, this labor of love has been such a huge part of our life. So much has happened since that day that we signed the papers to take on the hugest challenge of our life together. We had no idea the work we were in for and the struggles and challenges that we had ahead but most of all no idea of the blessings we were in for.

This is me the day we closed on the house 2 years ago, not yet aware that I was pregnant with our 2nd child, a beautiful baby boy.

If the complete demolition of our home and rebuilding from the ground up wasn’t enough, we were faced with a few huge setbacks but nothing we couldn’t overcome together.

This house has helped me in so many ways. It may seem silly that this house means to much to me, but it does. It’s not just a house. It’s a home, that WE built ourselves. That we went through heartache in. That we came together in and found what truly matters in life. I have learned from this house that you can make good out of anything. I mean, look!

An unredeemable rotting wall

Is now part of our outdoor oasis

It didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of time, patience, sweat, frustration, pain, joy, perseverance, and love. All good things come to those who wait, right? Using patience and restraint we have made our visions come true. There were days back in 2006 when I would see this house and would feel hopeless. I just couldn’t see that it was redeemable, that we could actually do what we had thought we could. Or that if we could do the work on the house that we couldn’t stay together through it. They say remodeling a home is one of the hugest strains on a marriage and for us it was so true. Having come out this side, with a home that isn’t finished but getting closer everyday and a marriage that is stronger than ever, I can only think about how grateful I am.

I know there are so many things I have learned through this process that I never would’ve before. I have learned what true necessities are - a toilet, running water, food, family - and what indulgences are. I have learned to differentiate between wants and needs and prioritize those things. I have learned that when money is tight because you need it for building walls and floors that you’ll still find a way to make your daughter’s new room that daddy built by hand a “princess room”.

I have learned that home is about where my family is and nothing more. All the cleaning and decorating in the world don’t make home unless the space is filled with love and laughter.

I have learned more than anything about the pride that comes from doing things by hand. There is nothing that fills me with more pride and admiration than seeing this house that we call home and knowing from the concrete slab up, with a few tools and his own two hands, my amazing husband built it. It didn’t go quickly, but it was worth the wait. Seeing my daughter help her dad, taking pride in calling herself “daddy’s big helper” makes my heart burst with happiness.

From this experience in this house, I have learned to enjoy each day for what it is and not look for happiness in the wrong places. I have learned to stretch myself out of my comfort zone and have found it’s pretty fulfilling to go places I never thought I could. It’s been quite a ride this past two years. I never would’ve imagined then what life would be like today. I am thankful though that this is the path my life has taken, and am appreciative of the curves and hills that I have navigated to get to a place of truly happy.

Happy Anniversary, house. Thank you for providing us with so much more than just a roof - thank you for showing us that with love and patience and hard work, we can make beautiful out of anything.

Check out this Greendex Calculator that I found at Living Cheap and Green

I scored 73.

What was your score?