My Husband Has Depression
There I said it.
I won’t begin to try to describe what depression is like, because I don’t know. What I do know is what it is like to live with someone who has it.
First of all, I don’t know the proper terminology. Is it that he has depression or is depressed? Maybe it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to offend anyone.
His depression, has, from his own telling, been around for over half of his life. Manifesting itself in different ways at different times of his life. When he was younger, he was a loner - spent lots of time traveling alone to other parts of the world escaping the day to day grind and replacing it with exciting adventures like climbing mountains in Nepal.
In recent history, it has manifested itself as anger, resentment and bitterness toward a lot of the same day to day life things that he shrugged off as a young adult. He now has a wife (she’s pretty nifty) and 2 kids (even niftier) and that means he can’t just run off to Nepal and hide at the top of a mountain when he’s feeling sad.
We’ve been through a lot dealing with his ailment? problem? disease? I don’t even know what to call it. One wouldn’t ever guess I have a degree in Psychology. In hindsight, so much of the 10 years we have spent together has been colored by his depression. His inability to stay in one place for too long. His disdain of the day to day grind of a constraining 9 to 5 job. It’s been presented in our life in many different ways and we’ve always worked through it.
The only time it got really bad was fall of 2006 - I can’t believe it was a year and a half ago already - when we had sold our old house, were in the middle of moving to our current home and seeped ourselves into a crapshack, he was (and still is) in a dead end job, and things were just not looking great. We’ve made the best of that situation, but only after a lot of personal hard work and determination to stay together and to keep our family intact.
We realized, after hitting rock bottom, that there are a lot of things in life that we had let ourselves worry about that just didn’t matter. If we weren’t together and our family wasn’t working, did it really matter what size our house was or what our income was? Not really. What did matter was that we figured out how to stay together and how to keep our daughter’s parents a united force.
It wasn’t pretty - depression never is. There was a lot of fighting. A lot of ugliness. And only because I have chosen not to - there is no regret. I can’t look back and regret what happened. I can’t look back and wish things were different then. I think that what happened to us and the challenge of depression for our family brought about so many GOOD things - like appreciation for the little things in life, appreciation for each other because we know that we’re not invincible, understanding that what is truly important in life is people and not things.
Through this hardship, I have learned a lot about myself. I could sit here and tout myself as a savior. I helped save my husband from himself. I could, really. My in-laws regularly call me to tell me so. They want to tell me how much what I did and continue to do to make their son happy means so much to them. I could pat myself on the back for standing by my man. But the truth is, I don’t always feel like a savior. I got just as angry at him as he was at me. I got just as hopeless as he did and I wanted to throw the towel in a lot. I mean, who doesn’t want to walk out the door when they’re being screamed at that they suck? But I know that was the depression talking. I am not superwoman for making our marriage work. He’s the one who did the work. He’s the one who went to the doctor and got on medication. All I had to do was come home and keep loving the person I married. That’s the easy part. I don’t have to battle demons like he does. I know he has thoughts that stray from the norm. I know he has days he wants to sail off into the sunset never to be heard from again. HE’S the one doing the work to stay here with us and be part of this life. All I did was feebly tell him he had a problem that needed to be worked on, walked out the door and didn’t come back until he’d done it. How noble is that? Maybe not so much, but I can only look at today and see that it worked okay for us. I’m here. He’s here. Our kids are here.
We still have our moments. He still has his bad days, his times that make me ask if he’s remembered his medication. It’s still not always pretty. Heck, just last night it wasn’t pretty. But we work through it because we both know now what matters. No person is perfect. We all have our problems. The best we can do together is help each other and find our way together. I just have to remember that when times get hard. I have to remember that people matter more than anything. And he’s the most important person to me.
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:32 am
there is a reason why you 2 have been brought together and going through something like this confirms that ! I don’t know about dealing with a husband with depression, but I do know about dealing with a husband who is struggling with his job. It wasn’t until my husband got into his current job that he was able to let go of some of his bitterness and just anger at his surroundings. thanks for your honesty in sharing this…it’s hard to share honest struggles, but then good because it makes me remember that none of us is perfect, even though it seems that way in the cybeworld!
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:41 am
Thanks for sharing that, Emily. Micah suffers from major depressive disorder and, like your husband, has for a long long time. It manifests differently in him, mostly he just shuts down or stops caring. Like your husband, he’s done a lot of work too and is comparatively stable (at a more depressed level than most people, but it’s still better).
It’s hard to explain how much it helps to know that someone else is going through this on a daily basis. That I’m not the only one.
*hugs*
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:41 am
I applaud you both! (((Hugs)))
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I went through a heavy bout years ago - medication and therapy did wonders. Does he go to therapy? If he doesn’t, I would suggest finding a good one and at least going once in a while! Good luck guys!
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
My heart goes out for you. You and your husband are really brave. I can only compare it with the fights that we’ve had as a couple and imagine what it must have been like to go through that period. I am so happy that you and your husband pulled it off and remained together. More power to you!!!
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
You both are fantastic and this may sound silly, but I am proud of you both. Your kids are blessed to have such incredible, strong parents.
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Thanks everyone for your input, support and reminders that we’re not alone. Y’all are the best
April 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 pm
It’s so brave and honest of you to write this post! Although I’ve struggled with depression in the past I have been very healthy for the past five or more years. My husband on the other hand does suffer with depression. He shuts down or gets very critical of himself and others. It’s a struggle, but I too know it’s worse for him than it is for me. Thanks for writing this.
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Depression is s tough issue, my own husband has dealt with it as well. It is a hard thing to live with even as the spouse. It is a hard burden to bear, so I am bringing you a big {{{HUG}}} from someone who understands! And it is brave of you to share it openly. You clearly are a strong and caring woman. Blessings to you!
xoxo
Melissa
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:46 pm
((((Emily))))
Thank you for sharing this. That takes guts, but even more so, it shows what a strong, courageous, devoted, and loving woman you are!
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Hats off. I suffer from depression. I’m currently on medication.
It’s heartbreaking for me, but I’m sure it’s even harder for my husband and children.
Thank you for sharing this, I can see the other side, and understand it.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Thanks for writing this. My husband has an anxiety disorder that causes him to do many of the same things. It is so frustrating to be dealing with this day in and day out. He is getting help and taking medicine, but I honestly feel like I have to be the strong one 100% of the time (so when do I get anyone to lean on). Like you we have 2 small children. Unlike you, we have staggering student loan debt as my husband is just finishing law school and has yet to find a job for the fall. I’m not sure how we are going to manage. But thanks for writing anyway. It helps to know that I’m not the only one who has had to deal with these sorts of marital difficulties (and fighting).
April 4th, 2008 at 1:35 am
(((hugs)))
First- thank you for writing this, thank you for sharing this with us, and thank you for showing people that it is OK.
Second-I applaud you for being so strong, for standing tall when times got tough and making it through to the other side.
Third-I applaud your hubby for taking the necessary steps to wellness. That may not seem like a huge feat, but it really is. I am sure you know-it can be so hard for someone to admit they need help or cannot handle an “issue” on their own.
I have had a few friends in my lifetime that suffered from depression and actually lost a close friend in high school to the disease and yes, it is a disease, much like addiction or cancer-it’s a disease and one that needs to be treated. I have seen the changes in people and the hopelessness in them and those around them and it isn’t a pretty sight.
Good for you…you are blessed…your family is intact and moving towards the future, whatever that may hold-you are in it together.
You put it best: “The best we can do together is help each other and find our way together.”
PS-this made me cry a little…I am such an emotional girly girl….
Take Care
LJ
April 4th, 2008 at 3:10 am
My live-in boyfriend of 2.5 years before Sean had depression too. It’s difficult to live with sometimes, and really really hard other times. I have no advice to give because you seem to be doing everything I would do anyway… all I can say is <3.
I hope things get better. Maybe he should look for a new job? He seems to be doing an incredible job on your house - perhaps an entry-level apprenticeship with a carpentry company or similar? My current boyfriend started out 8 years ago as a sprinkler fitter making $25/$50 an hour and now is a manager and loves it. There’s something in doing what you love and are good at…
*hugs*
April 4th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Thanks for sharing. While it’s a tough process for your husband, I don’t think you should underestimate your own strength and perseverance too. It’s great to hear you sticking through this - your support helps just as much as the drugs and therapy.
April 4th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Hello. My name is Stephanie. I suffer from depression. {Hi, Stephanie!} Meds work. Stay on them. My husband thought it was ‘all in my head.’ Until he saw the difference between when I was on my meds and when I was not. Depression, ironically, has really helped me appreciate life. I feel for you, because I know how difficult it was (is) for him to put up with me. Fortunately we know what is important and help keep each other focused on that. It takes a lot more guts to walk out and take care of yourself than it does to stay and enable. Keep it up! You’re (both) doing great.
April 6th, 2008 at 3:17 am
Take strength in the knowledge that love and mutual understanding will help resolve most things.
Regards
April 6th, 2008 at 9:18 am
I’m sitting here at the keyboard with tears streaming down my face as i read your post. I too am blessed with the disorder of depression. I haven’t stopped there though, for good measure I from time to time get to toss in Manic. You see I’m Bi-Polar. I too am married to an Angel. I consider myself very lucky in this regard as the supply of Angels is limited. You have the link to my site if anyone would care to share our life over the last 3 or 4 months it has been very interesting. My wife is starting to put her thoughts into words on Justakrusen.wordpress.com.Thanks for an awesome post. It is only through talking about it that we can hope to tame the wild beast of Depression. I’m justa saying!
April 6th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Hi Emily
I have goosebumps when I read this post. I really, really admire you for being so honest and “keeping it real”. You will have reached more people than you will ever have known. (HUGS)
Without sound “flip” (we all know that there are no easy answers and it is a matter of relying on Faith, Family, Friends, Drugs, Therapy, More Sunlight, Regulating sleep, Exercise etc etc etc etc)… has he tried doing any natural remedies? Flax is supposed to work wonders….
April 24th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Thank you for letting us see this aspect of your life.
We have the same struggles in our home. Medications have helped, but have unwanted side effects. After many professionals suggested them, we read books by Aaron Beck on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. No fads or weirdness, just a way to gradually recognize ways of thinking that lead to depression, and gradually choose to retrain the brain, to replace the doomsday thoughts with realistic hope. Look at Wikipedia’s article on it. It is gradually changing our lives. Thank God.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I just about cried when I read today’s article and then followed the link back to this article. I have depression and it gets pretty severe sometimes. I take medication and go to therapy but still it “flares up” at least 2 or 3 times a year.
The reason I wanted to cry is that you are so open and honest about it. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything (and I read a lot) about someone who is affected by their spouse’s depression and the marriage survives. My ex-husband just wanted me to fix it once and for all and never have it again - which is impossible. I do not like depression, I do not like what it does to my life so I take my meds, go to my therapist and read like a fool for things that will help. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing about this. It was like finding a safe place in a storm. I love how much you give your husband credit for his work and I love your honesty. What a couple of very brave people you are. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you.
June 26th, 2008 at 11:33 am
THANK YOU for writing this post…boy, could I relate!
For Carol’s sake, I wanted to mention…
I too live with a man who struggles many days with depression. At least three times now, it has been severe enough that he either quit his job, or spent weeks away from it. The second time, he quit engineering and (after two months with no job at all, which ate up our savings) became a bus driver — a 3/4 cut in pay! Only this past fall, he became a bus driver trainer, a slight rise in pay. Otherwise, for the past six years he’ s been driving bus. Needless to say, our lifestyle and what we could accomplish financially changed considerably.
Meds for us have been a two-pointed sword. While they definitely were a factor in helping him come out of the depression initially (especially the severe times), they could affect his disposition — and they definitely affected him physically. He gradually went off them long-term (a nightmare in itself), but occasionally uses them when he needs to. I am not at all convinced that meds are the wonder treatment drug companies want them to be…and I wonder how their extensive use is affecting our country long-term.
The great help, for my husband (and myself) has been our shared faith in God, and counseling. What I do watch with concern is our oldest daughter’s occasional struggle with depression. I do think this tendency is inherited, based on my husband’s family…his dad has had trouble, as well.
This sounds ungrateful about the whole thing– but I am not. During the really difficult years, my own business grew a great deal, which helped bring in income just when we needed it. There were encouraging moments all along the way, especially when I was ready to give up. And my husband kept struggling, and never gave up, which I love about him.
We celebrated our 26th anniversary not too long ago. I intend to spend the rest of my life with this remarkable, complicated, wonderful man. I love him.