Remodeling This Life

People love to make assumptions about others based on how things *look* instead of digging deeper into how things really are. It’s probably a pretty normal human trait. You see someone and based on their clothing, car, whatever, an assumption gets made about financial status. I know not everyone does this, a lot of people learn with age and experience that how things appear on the outside aren’t always how they truly are.

Whether it’s that I don’t feel I owe a full entire story or every last detail about myself or whatever, I find often that people will take the smaller bits of things about me and piece together an altogether inaccurate picture of my life. I could say it’s my own fault and I can just give out more information. Or I can decide it doesn’t matter what other people think and I don’t owe anyone an explanation or more detail than I am comfortable giving. Unless you are my close family or very close friend, I don’t need to share every last detail of my financial picture, homelife picture or whatever other picture people only get small glimpses of.

Why do we automatically think someone in designer clothes is rich or worse - went into debt to buy them? Maybe those nice jeans were a gift. Or maybe she was lucky and found them at Goodwill for $4. The truth is, there is very little we can know about anyone around us unless we are very close and really *know* and therefore I have to not let my first impressions determine what I think of a person.

A lot of the people I know are into “keeping up appearances”. I know too many people who live their life to be *seen* as something they are not. And since I am a person who is working on constantly being true to myself, I can’t be bothered with that game. All those people trying to one up each other are just one upping things that aren’t real. It’s a vicious cycle. No matter how rich, successful, beautiful, amazing, talented I am…there will always be someone more than any of those things than I am. So the only way to be happy is to just be me and be happy with good enough for me. I won’t indulge those seeking that attention and I won’t seek it myself. It’s really quite simple. Just be who you are and don’t worry about who or what others are or what they have. The bottom line is we just don’t know and why do we *feel* the need to know? And if we don’t know…why go back to assuming the worst? Assume a person has something expensive because they’re bad with money and in credit card debt. Maybe they’re a super financially savvy person and financially free. The honest truth is that we like to think others struggle for what they have because it makes it easier for us struggling to feel like we’re all in the same boat struggling to keep up.

I see regularly people who get so caught up in how they think they look to others or thinking too much about what others are doing and how they’re doing it, that there is such a negativity to it all. Someone can quit their job and take a few months off work or take years off to finish school to further themselves? They must be spoiled, the recipient of a trust fund or just plain lucky. Why not that the person works their butt off and is smart with money and put themselves in a very worthwhile and hard-earned position of taking a break to find themself and to better themself? Because as humans, we don’t want to admit that those things are possible without some sort of intervention. We don’t want to think about the changes we could make in our own lives to be in that same position. We don’t want to give up the cushy comfy stuff that we surround ourselves with to pretend to make ourselves feel better and to artificially find happiness.

At the end of the day, the myth of stuff and money and all of that bringing happiness is what we *want* to believe because it’s more comfortable. Somewhere along the line the competition to be better, look better, have more has become the standard. And it’s because if we don’t have all that and more, we’re afraid people might *gasp* think we’re poor or don’t have the means to attain it! Why in the world would you not live in a huge house if you can afford to? Why would you drive an old car if you can afford a new one? Why would you work that dead end job if you have more skills? Maybe some people are just happy with what is.

When we let go of caring what anyone else thinks around us, then it’s possible to just live life. Not for anyone else, not to make sure no one thinks something bad about us. So what if someone thinks your poor? They won’t think so 30 years from now when you’re retired on the beach in Panama

In response to a post I made here last week, Jennifer said, “Every time I think about more “stuff”, I just think about my house catching on fire and what I’d want to take. Besides my kids and husband–not a lot. May not be the happiest mindset, but it’s saved us thousands :)!”

I nodded along and have been thinking of that line since. I’ve even started to do a mental inventory of what I’d grab. And seriously, I have come up with nothing. Not even photos. I know, I know…photos are full of memories and smiling faces. I wouldn’t risk my life for them, but maybe I’d grab them on my way out, I don’t know. That frame of mind has helped me rid our home of even MORE stuff this week. I’ve made two trips to Goodwill this week with my station wagon full of boxes and bags of clothes that are worn out or outgrown, kitchen stuff that doesn’t get used, toys that take up too much space and get used not enough.

There is nothing in my home other than my family that I would mourn the loss of in the event my home was demolished. Every single thing is replaceable or memorable in that I can always just think back with fond thoughts and not need the tangible item to be happy.

Say I did have to start ALL over, from nothing to building my life and possessions back up. Chances are I wouldn’t replace anywhere near all the stuff I have now. My life is minimal. We don’t have a whole lot as it is, but if I had to start over, I am certain we’d obtain even less because so much of what we have is simply kept because we have it and not because we necessarily continue to need it or use it.

There is a balance to all things in life and I am okay with having things that are “luxuries” or having more of something than I *need*. I don’t think we need to live in squalor but we don’t live in excess either. I still am struggling to find the right balance for us. Thinking of an event like a fire or other natural disaster, I don’t see myself grabbing anything but my kids and never looking back. I wouldn’t be one of those people standing amidst the rubble of my home shedding tears over lost material goods. That image helps me fill the boxes and get rid of things more easily.

Just going to cut to the chase today. Some reads I really enjoyed this week are as follows:

Spotting and Seizing Opportunities at Father Sez has made me take a long hard look at the idea squashing I do to the entrepreneurial spirit within hubby. We’re of different styles, hubby and I, and I need to try to loosen up and let the guy go after some of his ideas.

5 Simple Ways I Save Money was a guest post at Gather Little By Little that I enjoyed reading. It’s always nice to see others who DIY and fix their own cars!

You Thought WHAT Was a Good Idea at Paid Twice caught my eye for good reason. Lots of people may think we’re crazy or stupid for our fixer upper but at least we don’t use credit cards OR go into debt in any other form for ours!

The Road to Debt Reduction is Filled With Stoplights at Mrs Micah. Even I, a debt-free girl, appreciated this post. It can relate to any journey we’re on in life, really.

Spring is Coming: DIY Countertop Greenhouse at The Minus Sign Blues. I really enjoy reading Ed’s blog. This post was very informative especially since I am gearing up to start me a veggie garden.

Teaching My Kids About Money Part 1 at This Wasn’t In The Plan. I think about this subject A LOT. It’s a day to day moment to moment ongoing lesson. I think the most valuable way to teach kids is by example. But how to teach a 3 year old that checks and debit cards aren’t endless sources of money is hard.

In a Minute from Hug Twice. Speaking of teaching our kids stuff, this post cracked me up!

Enjoy your reading! Happy Weekend, everyone!

I wasn’t able to sleep much last night. Not sure why. It wasn’t one of those tossing and turning with too much on my mind anxiety ridden nights. I. Just. Couldn’t. Sleep.

4:30 a.m. came around and hubby’s alarm went off so instead of laying in bed trying to wish myself back to sleep, I got up with him and we sat in the living room and chatted over coffee. It was nice and relaxing. We talked about upcoming plans for the house, tossed around ideas for what to do next, even talked a bit about summer vacation plans and we laughed and talked about the kids and how lucky we are and how amazing they are.

In the conversation, the current project of stuccoing the exterior of our house came up. Hubby said “I guess it was worth a year of no siding on the house for you to be able to be home with the kids” and went on to say how happy he is that I am home with them raising them to be the wonderful people they are.

It occurred to me that I completely take that for granted now. I used to always think about how because I was home, I was sacrificing this that or the other thing. Now it’s so normal to me, 2 1/2 years after quitting my job to stay home, that I don’t think of the things we have to put off in terms of it being at the cost of me being home.

On the positive side, not constantly having to think about life in terms of one or two paychecks is a blessing. I truly have found happiness in my life when I am not constantly thinking that if only I had a job, we could do, be, have more. I have become quite comfortable in the lovely little life we’ve made since I left work. When I left my job, I remember being worried that I’d really miss my paycheck, my long uninterrupted lunches, even just the ability to go to the bathroom by myself. I also feared the loss of that income and the stuff I wouldn’t be able to do or have. Things sure do change when you become a full time mom. I am grateful that we simplified to a life I never knew could be so fulfilling and feel so natural.

And so, today, I am reminded that although we are making sacrifices for the good of our children, they are well worth it. The job is often a thankless one but that’s okay. It’s often selfless and draining but at the end of the day, 100% rewarding. I need to remind myself more often that things could be far different if we hadn’t made the right choices leading up to this. That hard work has paid off for us. It hasn’t made it a cakewalk, but it made it possible for me to spend these most formative years with two amazing people. Watching them grow and learn and love and laugh has been totally worth it.

I was watching a TV show the other night. In it, a woman walked into her home arms full of bags from a shopping spree. When someone took note and commented, she replied “I had a lot on my mind today”. Yeah, okay. So? I used to be like that. I shopped to relieve stress, I shopped when I was sad, angry, and annoyed. I thought that was what people do. It is, after all, a myth perpetuated by the evil media that buying things makes everything better. Having a bad day? Go buy yourself a little something special. Why is that? Why not instead perpetuate the reality that spending money unnecessarily not only won’t bring happiness but will often create more stress and unhappiness, especially if you’re spending money you don’t have. I’ve been there. It’s not fun and it’s not worth it.

I know that there are a lot of other things I can do than spend money when I am in need of a pick me up like these frugal ways to improve your mood. I don’t disagree that a little splurge or treat for ourselves now and again is valuable. It’s not as if I don’t do things for myself still. But I don’t do them with the expectation that because I am treating myself to something, I will somehow find true happiness in that latte or new pair of jeans.

Just the other day, I was unmotivated and feeling unproductive. So instead of sitting home with the kids amidst the mess I had no desire to clean up, we left the house for 5 hours. We went to the park and playground where the kids happily played for an hour while I chatted with other parents. Then we went to Target where I walked in with a list of not exciting stuff we needed for around the house like dishwasher detergent, laundry soap, new sponges, ziplock bags and garbage bags. Not exactly the kind of impulse this will make me happier shopping I used to do. And when I walked out of Target having gotten some rocking deals if I do say so myself, THAT made my spirits lift. Saving money on things my family needs is exhilarating. A trip to the Barnes and Noble train table where we met friends and our kids happily played without having to spend a penny was up next on the list. After returning home from our afternoon out, Drew thanked me for all the fun. It doesn’t matter to her if we go somewhere that costs $20 to get in or is free. She just likes being out with friends and enjoying the outdoors. She does also, admittedly, LOVE Target.

I don’t know what it is. My life must just be richer and more fulfilled now because it’s coming awfully naturally to me now to do things on the cheap (or free!). It’s exciting and fun. There are so many thrilling and fulfilling things to do in life that make me feel really great. It must be something about that inner happiness and not feeling like I can buy my way out of a bad mood anymore. It’s freeing.